Intentions.

Lately, I’ve been considering something. When I pray to God and tell Him that I love Him and am so thankful for all that He does for me, what are my intentions? Am I loving God for who He is, or am I loving Him because of what He does for me?

God has given me so very much. I spent my whole last post talking about all the blessings that He has given me, and I’m pretty sure that doesn’t even begin to skim the surface. Typically when I pray, I am either thanking God for what He has done, or asking Him to do something more for me. When I think back, it seems like a lot of my prayers are simply focused on asking God to use all His power to help me; either thanking Him for what He has done, or asking Him to solve even more of my never ending problems. Even When I pray to thank God for things like His love and wisdom, I feel like it’s typically because I am seeing myself benefitting from these attributes of Him.

The more I consider this idea, the more confused I become. I don’t want to have a faith where my main motivation is simply the benefits I reap for myself. I want to have a relationship with God where HE is front and center, and I am simply on the sidelines. I think I need to truly get it through my head that this is not about me. God has blessed me with so many things not to benefit myself, but to share it with others. This life isn’t about me one single bit! Rather, it is all about being a servant, following in Jesus’ example, and serving everyone around me for Christ. That is what matters, not how much my relationship with God can benefit me.

Blessings.

God has completely showered me in blessings – all different kinds of them. Some are the ordinary objects that I use every day, like my car or my house. Then there are the intangible things that I’ve been blessed with, like my education or a great relationship with a good friend. Both of these categories include objects that play a role in my everyday life, and most of the time I tend to take them for granted. I get comfortable with these blessings and begin to view them as assets and necessities rather than for what they truly are: blessings, gifts, and things that I don’t deserve. I am not entitled to them, and in true reality I have no ownership over them. God can easily take them all away if He wanted; they don’t fully belong to me.

However, I am frequently reminded that there is still one more type of blessing that God has showered upon me. These are the ones that I don’t even understand why God would give them to me; the things I couldn’t possibly have without God giving them to me. These are all the attributes of God that I am blessed to experience every single day that are completely rooted in God. They are things like His love, grace, peace, mercy, provision and so many more. When you seek Christ you will find these blessings in full abundance, and God gives them so generously. These blessings are found fully in Christ, but He Has also blessed us with the opportunity to experience them in other ways as well. Like when my parents or close friends show me love, God is showing me love through that as well.

God has given me more blessings than I could possibly imagine, and the best of them come from Him. While the phone, clothes and friends are all blessings, nothing can compare to the gifts God showers upon me purely out of love.

You Do Not Have a Soul.

Psalm 45:11 “The Lord is enthralled by your beauty.”

As a self-conscious, teenage girl, those words never made sense to me. To me, that verse (and others like it) simply didn’t apply to me. When I read it I would kind of skim over it and never take the words to heart. Not in a super-low-self-esteem sort of way, simply in a confused manner. I’ve never thought my appearance was every anything great, so why would the creator of the universe see beauty in me? I mean I know that God made me in His image and gave me this body for a reason, but what if my current weight or the lovely red spots on my face are things that God doesn’t really want there? I used to subconsciously be under the impression that God would only see beauty in me if I saw beauty in myself first. I would be extremely hard on myself mentally and really wear myself down when it came to my appearance. I would get frustrated when I didn’t like how I look, and I was never content with what I had. I would look at others and compare myself to them, thinking “man I wish I had her legs,” or “Goodness I wish I looked that pretty.” I would allow those self-diminishing thoughts to consume my mind on a regular basis, making myself even less happy than I already was with what God has given me.

As I struggled with these degrading thoughts, I continued to question the idea that God found me beautiful. Not just acceptable or average, but beautiful, enthralling, lovely, ideal, superb, wonderful and delightful. I would try to comfort myself with these thoughts, that God really did see me in this way, and make myself become happy with my appearance. Slowly I became a little more accepting. I kind of came to terms with how I looked, thinking things like “welp, it’s not going to get any better so I guess it’s time I just accept things.” I still wasn’t happy with it all, and I still didn’t understand how those verses could be true, but I kind of just tried ignored the whole thing.

That is, until something drastically shifted in my mind. It was like God’s truth finally made it through my stubborn hard head and rang true in my heart. I finally realized that those verses expressing the beauty God sees in me has nothing to do with my physical appearance. God does not care what my body looks like; the only thing that concerns Him about my body is what I do with it to glorify God. When God looks at me and sees beauty, it is my heart that He is admiring. That is the part of me that was made in God’s own image. That is my soul, the center of what I am. What my body looks like doesn’t matter, because all it does is house my Christ-filled soul.

I know that this may sound a little extreme and probably pretty radical, but I believe it is true. I believe that allowing ourselves to be consumed with what we look like and how our bodies compare to those around us is just a waste. It’s a waste of time, energy and self-esteem. This body will one day be buried in the ground and go no further than this world, but our souls will go on to heaven to live with Christ for eternity.

I’m reminded of a C. S. Lewis quote that says:

This completely rings true. Nothing about your physical body defines who you are. Your body is really only the storage place for your soul; that is what is important. With your soul, you can share God with everyone you see. You can be joyful even in the worst of times; you can find peace in the instances of ultimate stress. You can look past your human figure and embrace your spiritual existence. Always remember, your body is meaningless. It is the soul inside that counts for everything.

Apology.

So I would like to briefly apologize for my lack of writing. I've been busy and my time has been filled with other things, but I do have a few things to post on here! So I'm not going to make this long, seeing as I have other, more important things to say. I just didn't want to write some big long post after not writing at all for a month! So now I will be back, but I am sorry for being gone for so long!

Iron Sharpens Iron.

Proverbs 27:17 : “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

As I look on my own faith, I realize that so much of the growth I have experienced is thanks to the people in my life. I have been blessed with so many great friends who are such strong Christians. Those people have inspired me so much, and I know that my faith wouldn’t be the same without them. I have a great family, great friends, and ultimately a great community. I cannot explain how thankful I am for them and the motivation that they have given me.

Reading that verse again makes me want to live in a way that would sharpen the faith of the people around me. Being an example of Christ to others sharpens their faith and helps them grow too. I encourage you to find those people in your life who will help you grow, and to be that kind of person to others.

Struggling.

Lately, I’ve been struggling spiritually. I want so badly to make my faith real and change my life according to God’s will, but I’m stuck. It’s like my faith is trapped in the pages of my Bible and in the words in my journal, and it never goes further than that. I want to make my faith alive, to truly live out my relationship with Christ. I so earnestly want to live out God to the people around me, to be a walking witness for my Savior. The only problem is I need to actually do it. In my head I desperately want this and I know that to do this. I need to daily die to myself and my sinful nature and to live for God instead. If I know all of this in my head, why can’t I live it out in my life?! It’s a frustration and a struggle, but I need to persevere. God will teach me new things and use me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine; I just need to let Him.

God, make me yours.

Back to the Beginning.

So today during church, we were asked to flip through the Bible and find your “life verse”. I flipped through Philippians, trying to find the verse that was essentially the inspiration for this whole blog. I knew it was in one of Paul’s letters, and I was pretty sure it was Philippians, but unfortunately I didn’t know the reference by heart. I was just looking for the word “shine” in one of my underlined verses. I saw a verse in Philippians that started with “do everything without complaining or arguing”, and after skimming over it I continued to look for my verse. I couldn’t seem to find it anywhere in Philippians, Galatians or Ephesians, so I went back to the formerly mentioned verse in Philippians. However this time I actually read the entire verse, and I realized that it was my verse! I had completely looked over it, and hadn’t even recognized it! That isn’t good at all!

That verse was my inspiration for this blog, as well as my motivation in my faith. I know I’ve put it on here before, but the whole verse says:

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.”

This verse is so powerful, and I have clung to it many times when going through hard times. The fact that I completely forgot what it said, even when I was specifically looking for it, kind of shows how my attitude towards my faith has been lately. I haven’t been focusing on what needs focus, and I have been absorbed with me and my life. Even my devotions have been scarce, and they haven’t received my undivided attention. And complaining and arguing? Don’t even get me started! I feel like every sentence that comes out of my mouth has some complaint or argument strung along with it.

This morning made me realize that I need to refocus. I need to refocus my writings on here, my devotions, and most importantly my dedication to God. He deserves my everything, not whatever left over time and energy I decide to throw His way. I want to start my mornings by giving the day to Him, not just fitting Him in whenever I get the chance.

I am taking this opportunity to refocus myself onto God, and to go back to where I need to be.

Shine.

The Word

“The Word was with God, and the Word was God.”

I’ve heard that verse many times, and never fully understood what it meant. The part that always really confused me was why Jesus was labeled “the Word”. I had a slight comprehension of how Jesus was with God and how they had the same qualities, but I just couldn’t grasp why He was referred to as “the Word.”

However, the more I read the scriptures, the more this is beginning to make sense. I’ve been in the word more in the past five months than I ever have in my life, and it has taught me a lot. Granted a lot of my time has been spent reading the Law of Moses in the beginning of the Old Testament, so it’s been a little bit of a struggle. But even as I read those books of the Bible, the qualities of God are made so clear to me. God had great love for the people of Israel, and He dearly wanted them to follow Him. He provided for them, He protected them, He was their judge and their leader.

God was all of these qualities, but He didn’t act them out physically. He didn’t physically live as a human among the people; rather He worked through His messengers and resided in pillars of cloud and smoke. He showed His great qualities through His words and His actions towards the Israelite people, but not in physical movements. He was still with the Israelites, but not exactly on their level. That is where Jesus comes in.

Jesus came to earth as a man. Not as a pillar or through a messenger, but as a human. He embodied all of those qualities that God described and showed to the Israelites, but He performed them first hand. Rather than teaching the Israelites about Himself through words, Jesus showed them. He became the living example of all the things God spoke about in the Old Testament. All of the great, mighty traits God shows from a distance in the Old Testament, Jesus showed them through His actions on earth. He took the qualities of God and performed them as a human on an individual scale.

This is kind of hard to wrap your mind around, and I’m even struggling with this as I write about it. Jesus and God are the same, each equally part of the trinity. However, Jesus showed the people around Him those qualities of God. The people didn’t just have to read about them in the Old Testament to learn from them, they simply had to witness Jesus’ actions.

This encourages me even more to read the Bible, and it creates even more of a link between the Old Testament and the New Testament. Rather than God simply being the father and Jesus being His Son, Jesus is the fulfillment of all of the qualities of God mentioned in the Old Testament. Not to say that God didn’t fulfill them Himself, Jesus was simply an individual human (just like you and I) who possessed all of those wonderful and glorious traits of God. Jesus is our example of Godly perfection, and we need to strive to be like Him.

Control.

I never really understood why people would be scared to give God control. Granted I never really gave this idea much thought, but when it would pass through my head I thought it sounded good. I mean logically, it makes sense. Giving the creator of the universe (including your life) complete control of you? Sounds good to me. At least, it sounds good in theory.

However, this summer I have had a lot of time to think about this. As I examine my own life, I see the areas that I just don’t give God control of. It’s easy to say “okay God, my future is yours” when I don’t even know what my future looks like. But then I think about the areas of my life that I really want to go one way, and the thought of giving God control and risking it going in a completely different direction is terrifying.

Some of you may be thinking “well duh! It’s hard!”, so please forgive me. Maybe I’m just a little naïve, but I never really considered it before. I think that is partially is because I never really thought of what it meant to give God control. Yes I have prayed for a while that God would be the center of my life and that I would give up control, but I never really thought about what that looked like. And now that I’m thinking about it, it’s so scary.

Life with God in control isn’t predictable. He does things far beyond our imagination, especially when we aren’t expecting it. Rather than calling our own shots and doing what we want, God does things His way. Life with God in control is open ended, with you as the passenger and God in the driver’s seat.

This idea scares me! I know I shouldn’t be scared, but that part of me that craves control just doesn’t seem to warm up to this idea. I know that the Bible is full of verses all about how God is good and works for the good of those who love Him, and all the ideas sound wonderful. I’m not saying that they aren’t true, it’s just hard to truly believe when it seems like so much is at stake. But then I realized that I am faced with a decision. Either I can choose to live for myself and do whatever I want and ultimately be unhappy, or I can choose to give God control. I can choose to give Him my time, my relationships, my future, my everything.

I’m still working through this concept. I know that it’s something that is needed in my life, but man I’m having a hard time giving it up. I've written about it before, and I hope this all isn't repetitive. I'm processing this, working through it. God is teaching me something here, and I am slowly understanding. It scares me, and God is working through that.

I was talking with a friend recently and she was talking about she is working on living life open handed. God has given us everything, we hold nothing on our own. We can’t take the things God has given us and close our fist around them, determined to do with them what we want. Instead, we need to give it to God. Let Him place it in our hands, but also allow Him to take it away when the time is right. Living open handed, with everything open for God to use. I don’t know why, but this is a huge struggle for me. Like I just can’t get it through my head that this is good.

It’s not God’s way of tricking me or making me pay for the sins I’ve done.

This is God’s way of being in control and giving me the best life possible.

The only thing getting in the way is me.

God is Good.

I was recently talking to some friends from high school (the same ones I briefly mentioned going to Starbucks with before), and we got into a really great discussion. We just started talking about how we couldn’t possibly imagine life without God. I then started to think about everything God has given me, and I was so overwhelmed with how great God is.

I mean honestly, God provides everything. He gives me:

· Joy.

· Unconditional Love.

· The ability to love others.

· Selflessness.

· Humility.

· Wisdom.

· Relationships.

· Unlimited Opportunities.

· Comfort.

· Contentment.

· Thankfulness.

· Purpose in life.

· Assurance.

· Peace.

· No need to worry about the future.

· Appreciation for His blessings.

· Faith.

· Hope.

· More blessings than I could ever count.

· A personal relationship with Him.

· Life.

And that’s just the beginning. God is good.

I couldn’t do life without Him.

Do Not Forget the Lord.

The other day, I opened my Bible for the first time in almost two weeks. I had avoided, excused and simply forgotten my devotions, and the guilt was beginning to set in. One night before bed I decided to open my Bible to where my reading plan had left off and read the passage for that day. The very first words I read as the heading above Deuteronomy chapter 8 were:

“Do not forget the Lord.”

Hmm, what a coincidence. Except, God doesn’t work through coincidences. So God was basically telling me what He wanted to tell me in the most obvious way. Don’t forget about God!

I had allowed myself to fill my schedule with work, family and friends and had put God on the back burner of my life. I had justified my actions with excuses like “but I’ll need the money next year, I have no choice but to work now!” or “I haven’t seen my family for a month, shouldn’t I be spending my time with them?!”. I’m telling you, I told myself and God just about every excuse I could think of.

Then I opened my Bible, and read that friendly little reminder from God. As I continued reading in that chapter, I got to verse 3. It talks about how God provided for the Israelites with manna to teach them that “man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” While I had not been surviving off of manna for the past few weeks, I have been filling my schedule with what I wanted rather than with God. While I have been in prayer, I haven’t been in the Word learning more about Him.

After reading this verse, I realized that God was trying to tell me something else too.

I can’t get by living with me in charge of my life. Nothing I try to do for myself will satisfy, and nothing I accomplish will be enough for me. No matter what I try to do in my life, God is the only one who can truly make me live. His promises, His love, His very existence is what makes me truly alive.

Sure I can live, but God makes me ALIVE.

Freshman Reflection.

Last night I got to see some of the wonderful people I was friends with in high school, and ah it was just great. Then I went to Starbucks with three of my closest friends just to catch up and talk for a little bit. We started looking back on our freshman year and what all we learned, and I came to a great realization.

Freshman year wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world for me. It was a tough transition, and I felt uncomfortable in my surroundings more than I thought I would. I hadn’t realized just how comfortable I had been with my life in high school until I was taken out of it and thrown into a whole new environment. I learned to be a lot more self-sufficient, not just by doing my own laundry and being responsible for my academics, but in terms of my social life and especially with my relationship with God. No longer could I rely on a Sunday church service on and some great small groups throughout the week to keep my fire for God burning strong. I had to do my own devotions and get in the Word on my own to really feel God and see Him working in my life. It was something I wasn’t really used to, and an area of my faith that really required some development.

As I look back over my year, I certainly have a lot to reflect on. I think back to all the times I felt uncomfortable and alone, and the ways God helped me through that. I think to the times that I felt like I was really starting to make friends, and how I was so thankful to the Lord for providing that. I think to when I felt so overwhelmed with my projects that it seemed impossible for me to even stay alive until the weekend, and the way God provided strength and perseverance in those moments. Basically, I can see God in everything.

I learned a lot this year, and some of it was lessons I didn’t really want to learn. I didn’t want to learn what it felt like to be alone, and it wasn’t exactly fun learning how to try and make the strong friendships that I missed so much from high school. I mean I definitely still have those friendships and they are just as strong as before, but I couldn’t just rely on my friends that were hundreds of miles away. I learned that I just had to open up to the people around me and let them in, and make new friends where I was at. This year was a growing experience, and I’m still trying to reflect on it all.

However, as I look back over all the hardships and lessons I learned this year, I’m happy it all happened. Now I know that sounds crazy, and six months ago I'm not sure I would have even slightly believed that I would be saying that one day. I am simply so, so thankful that God used those situations to teach me things. My relationship with God grew more over the past year than I ever could have imagined, and for that I am so thankful. All those times that I was sad and frustrated made me cry out to Him, and through those moments He slowly became all I needed in life. I no longer was reliant on all the comfortable things I had at home, for a time it was just me and God.

I don’t want it to sound like I was an anti-social hermit or anything this past school year, because that wasn’t it. I simply had to adjust and get used to not having my friends from home around me, and I had to learn to make new friends. It’s so funny because I never really thought that would be something I learned in college because I never really struggled with it before. But God works in interesting ways, and He certainly used my situation to teach me. And I’m so thankful He did, because I learned more about Him than I could have possibly imagined.

Moments of Weakness.

I have weaknesses. Things like gossiping, self-scrutiny, being mean, judging others, and o many others. There are things that tempt me, things that I should avoid, and things that I should force myself to overcome. The problem is, I seem unable to do so. There are so, so, somany of these things that it is a little discouraging and overwhelming to think of. It seems like there are some days that I focus so much more on the things that I struggle with than the things that I can do, the things that I can accomplish. Those weaknesses become my self-seen identity, the only part of me that stands out in my own eyes.

The thing is that I can’t handle these weaknesses on my own, not a single one of them. Not the big issues or the minor things, nothing. I need God’s help. I need His strength.

But see, then it gets tricky. I know in my head that I need His strength and power, but what do I do after that? I know to pray to Him, ask for guidance and wisdom, but then I get lost. The frustrating thing is that in my heart, I am dead-set on putting the temptations behind me. I want to move on from them, I want to stop giving in. I have the mental motivation, I just don't seem to actually stick with it. So I pray and ask for wisdom/insight/advice/anything, but I feel like I still don't know what to do next. I wait to see Him work and show me what I need to do, maybe even give me a straightforward list of instructions to overcome my struggle. I want Him to just flat out tell me how to get over what I do wrong.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. I can't just expect God to tell me exactly what I need to do without really trying anything. I need to put forth some effort to show that I want this. I think I have to continually submerse myself so completely in God that the struggle isn’t a struggle anymore. I make it so that my focus is so directed at God that the weakness doesn’t defeat me anymore. Instead, God has defeated it and I have learned another way to glorify God. The focus and emphasis is taken off the weakness and is placed on God instead, the much more deserving recipient of my attention.

And just like that, after days of prayer and slight frustration over this very issue, I have found an answer to my question.

Thank you Lord, you certainly do work in interesting ways.

Humbled in Him.

So often I like to act like I’m the one running my life. I’m #1, the head honcho, the one who gets to call all the shots. I act like God doesn’t really exist, He is just there when I choose to call on His name. It’s as if I even get to call the shots in my relationship with God too, like He doesn’t bother me unless I decide to grant Him some of my attention.

Now please don’t think that I actually consciously and intentionally have these thoughts, because that isn’t the case at all. It’s not like I try to live this way, I simply don’t try to live any other way. This is my natural existence, a resident in a universe centered completely and solely on Reagan. By natural, I mean my instinctive way of living. I so greatly wish that I could say that my innate focus of life is on God, but if I said that I would be lying. Rather, I live my life in a way that is so focused on myself and my wants that I essentially live as if God doesn’t even exist.

The other day I was thinking about this, the embarrassingly selfish way in which I conduct my life. I don’t recognize that God is the reason I even have life, but instead I simply think about myself. The way life is treating me, and the things that make my life oh so unfair. In case you couldn’t tell, that unfair part was complete sarcasm. My life isn’t fair?! Of course it isn’t fair! I deserve hell and eternal death, but instead I have been granted a relationship with God and everlasting life. Now that certainly is unfair, but I’d say I am getting the better part of the deal. If only I could keep this in mind more often.

Now while I was thinking about the life I lead, I was faced with a completely humbling thought. I allow myself to think and act as if God doesn’t exist, but how can I do this?! God is everywhere, both in my life and surrounding it. He is the reason I’m alive, the reason I have air in my lungs and a beating heart in my chest. He is the reason I am blessed, tested, heard and loved. God is the one who gave me my loving parents, my wonderful sisters, and all the amazing relationships I couldn’t imagine life without. He is the reason I am happy, the reason my life has purpose. He is the reason that I have hope and that I can be completely overflowing with joy regardless of what is going on in my life. God is HERE, He is everywhere. HE is in me. HE fills me, He blesses me, He loves me and He is always here for me.

As I take a minute to think of where God is in my life, I realize that there isn’t a single area that He isn’t. Regardless of my feeble attempts to control my life, God still consumes it. And thank goodness He does, because He certainly does a better job at running my life than I ever could.

So as I humbly think about my wonderful and loving creator, I realize that God is all I am. He is love, He is my Savior, and I want Him to be my identity.

No-Stress Reminder.

Sometimes I really wish I could have a little glimpse into what God thinks. Especially when I’m going through hard times, it’d be so great to just have a little insight as to what God is thinking. Not in the sense that I am able to see the future and know how everything is going to turn out, but just so that I would be reminded of God being in control.

Okay, let me explain myself. You know those moments when you are listening to someone vent, and you can’t help but think “okay, things aren’t that bad.” Not in an insensitive or uncaring way, but simply from an outside perspective type of way. It’s like when my seven year old sister tells me about the “big drama” that took place on the playground that day, I simply can’t take it completely seriously. While I still feel badly if someone hurt her feelings or whatever the case may be, I know that what she is describing isn’t the end of the world. You know what I mean?

Now this leads me to wonder what God thinks when I’m the one fussing and complaining and basically freaking out. While He still cares and will always have open ears, I know that He knows things aren’t nearly as bad as I make them out to be. No matter how much I complain and explain to Him why things are so bad that the world just might end, He knows that things are okay and that everything will get worked out.

But the crazy thing is, we do have a glimpse into what God thinks. He has written it all down in the Bible, and all we have to do is read it and soak it up. He has told us countless times not to worry, and that He is in control of everything. Why do I continue to worry and fret when God has everything planned out? It’s not as if my freaking out is really going to change anything other than my mood and stress levels, neither of which is beneficial for myself or anyone around me. Why do I do this?! I think God is teaching me something in this area and has been trying to for a while, and I’m hoping this new perspective will help.

So next time I freak out, I’ll just think of God gently sighing and rolling His eyes in my direction, wishing that I would simply realize that He is in control. My life is in God’s hands, so why should I let my entire existence be overrun with stress?!

Give Up a Little, Get a Whole Lot.

So this past week, I’ve been working at my dad’s office. I started Wednesday, and worked Thursday and Friday as well. While I’m working, I basically don’t do anything that requires much thought at all. I stuff envelopes, I file paperwork, I make copies and I put together binders and such. Once I get a rhythm of what I’m doing, none of it requires much concentration. This means that I have a lot of time to just think about different things, which is greatly appreciated. I put in my headphones, turn on my music, and get lost in my thoughts.

On Wednesday, I turned on my iPod and started to listen to a playlist that I recently made. It included artists like Regina Spektor, Mumford&Sons, Florence + the Machines, etc. While enjoying the music, I got to thinking. I started to think about my relationship with God right now, and how I feel so distant from Him and I don’t know why. I mean sure I haven’t been as dedicated to getting in the Word as I have been in the past, but is that enough to make me feel so distanced and far from Him? I then began to pray that God would fill me, that I would feel Him working in me and that I would be able to shine for Him. I kept praying this as I worked, but nothing changed. I still felt empty and distant as the day went on, and I was discouraged. I kept thinking that maybe I should change the music I was listening to, that maybe I should listen to one of my worship playlists instead. But I kept thinking “after this song ends” or “ah well I really like this song, so after this one”, but of course I never ended up changing my music. I just kept praying for God to fill me, yet didn’t really pay Him attention even in the slightest way of changing my music.

Now, let’s go to Thursday. I started at work on Thursday much the same as on Wednesday, turning on the same playlist and enjoying the songs. Then, I suddenly decided to change. I turned on my worship music, and it took less than five minutes to feel completely uplifted and encouraged. The distance feeling was gone, and I felt like I was completely full of Christ. I continued working feeling a sense of Joy, and I could feel God just changing my perspective. It’s like as soon as I decided to listen to worship music, every thought I had was one that was worshiping Him.

Friday continued much like the second half of Thursday had, worshipping God and enjoying my work. I sat back and tried to think of why those two days had been so different than my first day working, and I realized something. On Wednesday, I had been praying a ton for God to fill me and show Himself to me, yet I hadn’t sacrificed anything for Him. I didn’t even want to give up the music I was listening to, but I was still just expecting Him to appear in my life. Then on Thursday I simply decided that I would rather listen to music that was glorifying to God, and everything seemed to get on track. It was like as soon as I gave God something from me, He responded with more than I ever asked for.

Now I know this is kind of a small thing, listening to different music and stuff. But it just showed me that all God asks for is all of us, and He will give us more than we could ever imagine. He isn’t asking for us to do the impossible, He is just asking for us to give ourselves over to Him.

Reflective Thoughts.

So after completing my freshman year of college, after finishing my final projects and finally moving all my stuff out of my dorm room, after the 8.5 hour drive back to Indiana, I am finally home for summer. This past year has been such a blur, I mean at the time it seemed like it was going so slowly but now that I’m home I can tell that it really flew by. Looking back, I’m trying to reflect on this past year. It seems like so much happened that it’s hard to look at it in pieces, but I know if I put time into it I’ll be happy. I have learned so much over the past eight months away from home, and it’s so crazy to think it’s already over. But I’ll write more about that later, after I’ve had some time to really think and consolidate my thoughts.

Another thing that keeps surprising me is how different everything was a year ago. Last May, I was eagerly anticipating graduation and few things seemed more important to me than getting out of high school. I was soaking up my “final moments” with all my high school friends while being scared at the thought of leaving everyone in the fall. (“Final moments” was in quotes because to be honest, none of those moments were final. They were memories, but those friendships are nowhere near over, thankfully!) I was singing in my last choir performance, and trying to map out all my open house visits. At the time it seemed like I was on top of the world, like everything was going great and that things just couldn’t get better. It’s so strange looking back now, and seeing how much things have changed.

I’m not really sure what the main point I’m trying to say with all this, I hope it appears to be more than rambling. I guess I just encourage you to truly enjoy where you are at in life. Don’t spend so much time anticipating the future or regretting the past. Those things are important, but don’t let them overpower your here-and-now position in life. Enjoy where you’re at, and thank God no matter what’s going on.

Give It Up.

So I think you should all go read Leviticus 25. Go to biblegateway.com, youversion.com, google, whatever. Because otherwise, not much of this post will make sense to you at all. Just a suggestion :]

After reading Leviticus 25, I can’t believe the Israelites never actually practiced the Year of Jubilee I mean I know that it sounds like God was asking a lot from them, but He promised them blessings in return. For example, He promised that He would provide enough food in the 6^th year to be sufficient for the 3 years following, so clearly the Israelites would have plenty of food. God also gave them specific instructions about how to release their slaves and servants, so God had a plan for that area too. Regardless of what all God told them to do while practicing the year of Jubilee, the Israelites still did not listen.

Now after reading the chapter, it was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that the Israelites just didn’t obey. They chose to ignore the whole idea of the Year of Jubilee rather than listening to God and celebrating this occasion. I spent some time researching online whether the Israelites every celebrated the Year of Jubilee, and multiple sources said that not once did the Israelites ever acknowledge the Year of Jubilee. Never. Not a single time. I was so stunned by this fact, and suddenly it hit me why they acted in this way.

It was because of their pride and lack of faith.

I think that the Israelites didn’t really think that God would provide. They thought that their way of living was just fine, so why try something new? They seemed pretty comfortable and content with their farming routines and their slaves, so why mix it up by taking an entire year off and letting all of their servants go free? This might be a little bold of me, but I think that the Israelites doubted whether it was really a wise decision on their part so they just ignored this command from God entirely. They thought their methods were just fine so they didn’t trust God enough to believe that He would provide, causing them to not change their ways.

Now at first, it seems like the Israelites were being stubborn, selfish and overall pretty dumb. I mean didn’t they know that God would abundantly provide for them for trusting and obeying Him? Hadn’t He been doing that all along for the Israelites? Well, that was my thought at least. But then I realized something.

How often do I pass up some amazing blessing from God simply because I’m too content with how things are and don’t want to risk anything and change? I am very much a creature of habit, and I don’t always like to change my routines. I’m not saying that I do the exact same thing day in and day out, but once I have formed a routine it’s hard for me to break it. I shudder to question how often God has presented me with an opportunity that could have resulted in a blessing from Him, but I turned it down because I was too comfortable with my life. I am realizing that I need to let go of my stubborn ways and my routines, and instead I need to let God’s way come first. I need to let Him call the shots in my life and give Him complete control. I’m reminded of a verse in Ephesians that says:

“Now to Him, who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine…, to Him be the glory.”

God can do so much more than I can even begin to imagine, so why should I let my stubborn routines get in the way of Him working in my life?!

There are things I need to let go of, areas I need to give Him the control. He keeps reminding me of this, and it’s an area that really requires selflessness and humility. At first the task seems so daunting, but when I think about it I’m left wondering why I can’t just give it all to Him. He can do anything, so why should I let my sinfulness get in His way. His plan for my life is perfect, so why should I be his obstacle? I should be extending His kingdom and bringing the glory to Him rather than being too stubborn to change my ways.

Peaceful Realization.

It’s kind of ridiculous how much I think I know. I act like I know everything and that whatever I say must be true, because I just know everything. Even as I write that I realize how egotistical that is of me, but in my head it seems completely accurate.

However, I am constantly reminded that I really don’t know a thing. Fortunately, I have a God that does.

This morning I almost passed out in my Spanish class. That sounds like a minor thing, nothing to really raise much concern. But this is becoming a slight habit of mine, and I wish I knew why. (Ps: don’t worry, it really isn’t anything serious. Just something linked to some other things, but overall I’m still pretty confident that overall I’m pretty healthy. I don’t mean to scare you or anything, so please don’t worry!) Anyways, I was kind of scared/worried this morning, wondering what was going on inside of me and wishing that I knew. After a little while of wondering and worrying, a rush of complete peace came over me. I realized that since there is no way for me to immediately know what is going on, why should I spend all day worrying?! Clearly God knows what is going on with me even if I don’t, and He will take care of me. God doesn’t do thinks to us just because He wants to mess with us. He has a plan, and He can see the big picture even if I get caught up on one tiny portion of it.

This realization was such a relief to me, and it certainly brought so much peace to my previously stressed out disposition. I was once again reminded of how small I am, and how magnificently powerful God is. He knows exactly what is going on even if I don’t have a single clue. He is in control of every day of the rest of my life even if I can’t seem to handle my life in any single given moment. He knows everything, He is in control of everything, and He is the creator of this wonderful universe.

And He loves me.

Wow.

Sacrifice.

As I read through Leviticus, I've been noticing a common theme throughout the book. While the book is generally about the laws God gave to the Israelites, the majority of all the laws given are about sacrifices. Who was supposed to give the sacrifices, what caused a sacrifice to be needed, how the sacrifice was to be performed, everything! It's interesting to contrast the way that the Israelites had to handle being "unclean" at that time, and what Christians can do now.

It’s so interesting to read all that God required of the Israelites. They couldn’t just pray to God and ask for forgiveness, they had to really give something of themselves. Whether it was their livestock, their money or just their time, it involved something personal from the individual. They were not given the opportunity to just pray and instantly receive forgiveness; they had to give of themselves for God’s sake.

After reading all that God required, it seems to give some insight into God’s view of asking for forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness isn’t just muttering a short prayer to relieve a guilty conscience. It is intended for the person seeking forgiveness is actually willing to give something up because of their sin so that it doesn’t happen again. It reminds me of this quote I read recently:

It’s so easy to simply ask for forgiveness without truly putting forth the effort to eliminate the sin. I think half the time I ask for forgiveness simply for my own sake rather than as a sincere apology to God. I’ve been taught to think that when you apologize, the only way to show that you are truly sorry is to not do whatever you did again. If you really do feel badly for whatever you have done, then you should be sorry enough to not do it again. You know what I mean? Not to say that you don’t mess up because trust me I have done that plenty of times, but in theory that is how it should work. If you continue to do whatever you apologized, then you in theory aren’t genuinely sorry.

I feel like apologizing to God and asking for forgiveness is almost easier than apologizing to another person. It seems like it can be so easy to apologize to God without meaning it because all it involves is a prayer. No confrontation, no face-to-face interaction, nothing like that to really make you feel convicted. I mean I know my conscience gets to me, but there’s nothing really stopping me from doing it again you know?

But the thing is that it is wrong to repeatedly ask forgiveness without changing anything in my life. If I really want forgiveness, that means I give of myself and prove that the apology was sincere. It’s not fair to ask God to forgive and forget when I can’t sacrifice anything of myself for God.

Harsh Self-Realizations.

Lately, I've been stuck in a rut. I feel like it's all I write about on here, so if I seem redundant I am sorry and I want to change. I have been choosing to settle for stressfulness and discontentment with the way things are in my life rather than just choosing to believe God has a plan. I settle for what I want to do rather than handing over the control.

I'm sort of a control freak. I can't remember if I've mentioned that or not, but anyone who even remotely knows me probably knows this. It's not something I am proud of, it's just something I need to learn to set aside. I think the source of the problem is my pride mixed with my want for control. I want to feel like I am the one in control, that I am the one calling the shots. I want to see the outcome of my work, and to know that people expect me to be a leader. Even as I write that I want to just erase it and pretend it isn't true, but unfortunately it is.

The biggest problem with allowing my pride to run my life is the fact that I simply accept it. I allow myself to think that that's just the way I am, that there is nothing I can do about it. I don't just mean in the area of being a control freak, but in every area of my life. I let my pride call the shots rather than God. I settle with the mentality that I can't change the way I am, and that I'm just stuck being self centered and ruled by my pride.

See, I didn't even realize that I had this mentality until I read something my wonderful best friend wrote. (Her blog is whitney-mypaperheart.blogspot.com, you should check it out) In her most recent post she mentioned how God is changing her, how she is seeing Him work in her. AS I read this, I was so encouraged and suddenly I realized that I don't have to be this way. I don't have to let my pride or my ego dictate my actions, I have no obligation to act this way. Rather, as a Christian I actually have an obligation to not let those things define my actions. I need to fight against those innately sinful aspects of my life, and to give God control.

Giving God control is one of those phrases that is always thrown around; I feel like I say it and pray it all the time. But in actuality, I can't remember the last time I actually gave God complete control. Which is just ridiculous, because the whole focus of being a Christian is to give your life over to God and live for Him rather than yourself. I let myself get away with just doing what I want to do, and I don't really live for Him at all.

I'm beginning to realize all of these pathetic, sad elements of my life and am determined to change them.

God needs control of my life, not me.

He deserves my everything, including my pride.

I need to stop simply saying I need to change, and instead I need to do something.

God redeemed me, now I need to glorify Him.

End of story.

Seek Rest In God.

Hi there.

So first off, once again I would like to apologize for my lack of writing. I have been so extremely overwhelmed with school work, and I just haven't had a chance. I know that sounds like a lame excuse and like I'm just not trying to make time, but I promise it's true! But now I'm here writing, and I will try to write a whole lot more often!

Anyways, on to a new thought.

Last Sunday (like a week ago yesterday) in church, we sang a new song. Now I'll be honest, I wasn't a big fan of it. It kind of consisted with the same line sang over and over, with a little bit of variation, for about five minutes. The "little bit of variation" meaning that you changed one word every six lines or so. You know what I mean? It was a bit much. Since the lyrics were basically the same the whole song through, I started thinking about one of the lines. It said:

"My soul finds rest in You alone."

The funny thing is, as soon as I heard that line I immediately wanted to write about it. Not necessarily write something simply to post it on my blog, but just to sit down and start writing out my thoughts. Of course I haven't had any time due to stress and projects, so I simply kept it tucked away in the back of my mind. I went about my week being stressed out and feeling like all this school work would push me to the limit. There have been a couple rough times especially, when I just felt so beat down and exhausted. Then I let all that stress just stay bottled up inside, so I stay aggravated all night and go to bed mad, and wake up grumpy the next morning. Not exactly a great solution to the stressed out problem.

Now I'm not telling you all of this as my way of continuing to feel sorry for myself. I'm just giving this all to you as background information, so that you can see where I'm really coming from.

See, one morning I was particularly irritable. Everyone annoyed me and no one could change my mood. Selfish, huh? But then I was halfway through my breakfast when I remembered that line from church telling me to seek rest in God. In the middle of my grumpiness and stress, this message practically hit me upside the head.

You see, whenever I get stressed I tend to fall away from God. I allow all those stresses to overwhelm me, and I push God to the side. I tell myself that I don't have time to do devotions or to try and be close to God, but that instead I merely need to work on my homework and just do devotions when I have time. Then I start to feel guilty but I still stay away from God because I'm afraid He will be mad at me. I'm afraid that I will only temporarily stay close to God, but then I'll let school work get in the way and that God will get even more mad at me. I hate the idea of disappointing God, so ironically I continue to disappoint God by staying away from Him rather than drawing near to Him to overcome that feeling. You see my problem?

Then I started thinking about that line from that song. And I realized something. It doesn't say that you have to try and make yourself the best version of yourself before you approach God. It doesn't say that you have to have your whole life figured our before you seek the Lord's help. It doesn't have any conditions attached to it at all actually. All it says to do is to seek your rest in God. Allow God to be the peace in your life and the one you go to when things get hard. It calls you to simply rest in God, and give your stresses to Him. He is in control of the entire universe, so can't He handle those little projects that are stressing you out so much?

God can do all things,

Seek rest in God.

Heaven!

As I continue reading through Exodus, I have been struggling. I’m towards the end of the book, and most of the chapters are about how God wants Moses to design the temple. It’s all about the measurements and adornments for the entire building, and to be completely honest it’s been a bit of a struggle to get through. I mean I completely understand that this temple was a really big deal for the Israelites and that was why God was giving them such detailed instructions as to how to make it, but as a twenty-first century American I was really struggling to make the connection as to how this could relate to me. But then, it hit me!

God gave Moses the most detailed description of how He wanted this temple to look. He told Moses what size the drapes should be, what the priests should wear, what the basins for washing should be like, which incense should be used, what one particular table should look like, what the lampstand should look like, and so many other little details. I was tempted to just skim over the entire section, cross it off my to-do list, and be done for the day. I prayed that God would show me what sort of application I could reap out of reading these passages, because I really couldn’t find anything on my own.

However, I just came to a realization! If God was that detailed about one, single building that the Israelites were building for him, what is heaven going to be like?! God put that much thought and detail into one single building that isn’t even around anymore, so I can’t even begin to imagine what God’s holy kingdom will look like. I can’t even fathom what it is going to look like, but I’m pretty sure that streets of gold are only the beginning. Heaven is going to be so beautiful, so amazing, that we aren’t even going to know what to do with ourselves.

Ah this just makes me so, so excited! God has already created so much wonder and beauty here on earth, and heaven is going to be infinitely better! I’ve heard people say that there are going to be new tastes and new colors in heaven that we can’t even fathom here. New colors?! This might just be my interior-design-self talking here, but I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea of a whole range of completely new and foreign colors. And new tastes too?! Ah God is so good, and He has something marvelous and wonderful in store for us in heaven! I just can't wait!