I'm sort of a control freak. I can't remember if I've mentioned that or not, but anyone who even remotely knows me probably knows this. It's not something I am proud of, it's just something I need to learn to set aside. I think the source of the problem is my pride mixed with my want for control. I want to feel like I am the one in control, that I am the one calling the shots. I want to see the outcome of my work, and to know that people expect me to be a leader. Even as I write that I want to just erase it and pretend it isn't true, but unfortunately it is.
The biggest problem with allowing my pride to run my life is the fact that I simply accept it. I allow myself to think that that's just the way I am, that there is nothing I can do about it. I don't just mean in the area of being a control freak, but in every area of my life. I let my pride call the shots rather than God. I settle with the mentality that I can't change the way I am, and that I'm just stuck being self centered and ruled by my pride.
See, I didn't even realize that I had this mentality until I read something my wonderful best friend wrote. (Her blog is whitney-mypaperheart.blogspot.com, you should check it out) In her most recent post she mentioned how God is changing her, how she is seeing Him work in her. AS I read this, I was so encouraged and suddenly I realized that I don't have to be this way. I don't have to let my pride or my ego dictate my actions, I have no obligation to act this way. Rather, as a Christian I actually have an obligation to not let those things define my actions. I need to fight against those innately sinful aspects of my life, and to give God control.
Giving God control is one of those phrases that is always thrown around; I feel like I say it and pray it all the time. But in actuality, I can't remember the last time I actually gave God complete control. Which is just ridiculous, because the whole focus of being a Christian is to give your life over to God and live for Him rather than yourself. I let myself get away with just doing what I want to do, and I don't really live for Him at all.
I'm beginning to realize all of these pathetic, sad elements of my life and am determined to change them.
God needs control of my life, not me.
He deserves my everything, including my pride.
I need to stop simply saying I need to change, and instead I need to do something.
God redeemed me, now I need to glorify Him.
End of story.
Reagan, I completely struggle with this too. I also become accustomed to my pride and pretend that it is who I am. But pride is sin! Yes, we are sinners, but we want our identity to be found in Christ! Not sin! What you said here is so true. I love you. See you saturday!
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