laziness

So I just did p90x for the first time.

in a word, it was painful.

I know that that wasn't the worst of it, and i'll be much more sore tomorrow morning than I am right now.

Awesome.

But you see, I'm not just doing p90x for fun. The doctor told me that the easiest way to fix my back and all of it's never ending problems (in case you didn't know, my back is just a pain. literally) is to strengthen my core.

aka I need to do all sorts of exercises for my back and abs so that all my muscles will be stronger and will keep my back in it's place. When my doctor told me that news it sounded really good and easy, but that has proven to not be true. I struggle to find time to fit in working out, and working out hurts. It makes me sore and makes my body scream "STOP!" while I (sometimes) ignore that voice and keep going. But the thing is, even though I do exercise more now than I have in the past, I'm still not doing it as much as I should. You would think that since doing all this is going to fix my back and make it stop hurting, I would have good enough motivation to work out and get my butt into shape.

Unfortunately, that isn't exactly true. Even with that motivation, I let myself (especially my laziness) get in the way. I talk myself out of working out and do other stuff instead. usually that other stuff isn't even productive, so it's stupid to do. I wish I could just get it through my head that I will be soooo thankful that I worked out once I have strong muscles and my back doesn't ache all the time, but instead I don't. This should be one of those situations where I know it will hurt in the meantime, but in the end it'll all be worth it. but nope, instead I just get lazy! It's dumb. I need to keep working, and I need to get myself fixed. Because the scary thing is, I'm afraid that if I don't fix myself now, there will have to be something drastic done later because my back is messed up. Why would I allow that to happen when instead I could just work hard now and get it done?

The answer?

I'm lazy.

and dumb.

and I need to stop being both of those.

Some random thoughts.

Right now is one of those times that I just can't get my mind to stop. I don't have anything in particular to think about, but I just keep thinking. It's like I should be doing something, should be accomplishing something, but I really don't have much to do. Well I guess I do, I just don't want to do any of it. I need a break. I'm tired of stress! I wish it didn't eat away at me and make me crazy until I finally finish whatever i'm stressing over.

Earlier today, I just wanted to write all day long. I don't even know why, I was just in a writing mood. Unfortunately I had to go to class instead of getting to write, so I figured I would write a little bit now. I was just looking at some interior design blogs online, and ah i feel inspired. Like I know that sounds really cheesy and everything, but I really am. Just seeing all those different ideas makes me went to do something. It makes me want to be done with school and just doing what I want to do. At school here, choosing interior design as your major is like signing your social life away. Like it gets worse the longer you're in the program, but the juniors and seniors practically live in the studio. It's a little depressing and definitely discouraging, because it makes me wonder if everything is worth it. Is it worth sacrificing sleep and relaxing time just for a degree? Is it worth being stressed for the next three and a half years, only to possibly continue being just as stressed when the time comes for a career? The thing is, watching these upperclassmen just motivates me to not want to be like them. It makes me want to learn to balance my time so efficiently that I can do my absolute best at interior design, while still maintaining a life. I don't want to not have any friends when I graduate college, and I don't want to get in the mindset of my job must consume my life. I feel like that is what everyone involved in interior design here wants me to think, that school is just preparation for the real world. Like once I get out of here, interior design will be my sole existence.

Well I have decided that simply won't do.

[i apologize for the rambling]

Love and Fear.

I just got back from my English Composition class, where we were discussing excerpts from Machiavelli's "The Prince". In this piece Machiavelli states different characteristics he finds necessary in a ruler, and the question of "whether it is better to be loved or feared" is addressed. While discussing this idea in class, the teacher raised the idea of whether it was possible to be both loved and feared. At first everyone answered no, thinking that was the most obvious answer. But then a girl raised her hand and said "Isn't that how we should view God? As both someone to be feared as well as loved?", which got me thinking.

Sometimes it seems like you can only do one at a time when it comes to God. You can either love Him, or you fear Him. You can choose to admire all the good things He has done for you, or you can choose to think of all His power and be scared by it.

As I think of my own view of God, I think I catch myself thinking of all His goodness without thinking of why I should fear Him. Fearing Him means I have to examine my actions and figure out if I'm really living in fear of God or not, while loving Him is just being thankful for all He has done. Loving him seems to come a little easier than fear. Obviously not all the time, but sometimes I find this to be true.

When I think about how powerful God is and how much punishment I deserve from Him, it makes things harder. It's much easier to think that you can do whatever you want and God won't get involved until you ask Him to. Like I can sin all I want, and I don't really have to stop whatever I'm doing until I decide to face up to what I've done and ask for forgiveness. But that isn't right at all! God is so powerful and huge and omnipotent and could absolutely obliterate me if He chose to. I don't deserve to be here at all, it's only by God's grace that I am. When I think about that, it makes me want to fear Him and live my life accordingly. To not fear God is so selfish, and it makes your entire life about you. It doesn't show that you truly respect God for who He is or that you are thankful for all He has done. As I look over my life, I hate to think of how often I live my life doing whatever I want, thinking I can just deal with the bad stuff later. But when I consider all that God has done for me, how can I even possibly have that attitude? He deserves all my respect and fear, not just love and affection. He has done so much for me, why can't I live a life that shows that?

His way is better.

This morning I was reading in 1 Samuel 8, which is where the Israelites were begging God for a king. They wanted their nation to be like all the other nations around them, ruled by a king and such. The thing is, they already had the perfect ruler for their nation; they had God! They didn't have to deal with the issues that come with an earthly king, but rather they were being controlled by the almighty creator. However, they still were comparing themselves to those around them and insisting on using their methods for a ruler. God warned them of all the terrible things that would happen if they had a king, but the Israelites insisted that they knew best and that their plan was better than God's. They begged and pleaded, and finally God gave them a king of their own. God knew full well the Israelites were saying that they wanted a man rather than God, and He knew how much trouble they were getting themselves into, yet He gave them what they wanted.

That thought kind of scares me! The idea that even though God knew that the Israelites were being selfish and dumb, He still gave them what they wanted. It makes me wonder how often this happens with myself. How often does God have a wonderful plan set up for me, but then I tell him I want something different and "better" (In my worldly eyes at least), and God gives it to me. How often do I make a stupid decision, even after already knowing the consequences of that choice? And then of course I complain about how everything is going and how my life is so hard, when really things would just be simpler and infinitely better if I clung to God.

I also think about the fact that the Israelites had everything so perfectly set up for them, yet they still wanted something different. Rather than being happy with what God had given them, they wanted to have their nation like those around theirs. Instead of appreciating the perfectly unique government they had, they insisted on having a corrupted worldly monarchy. I guess it's kind of the same idea as above, where God gives me something great yet I still tell Him i want something else. I hate to think of how often I turn my back on the greatness that God has given only to attempt to satisfy myself with the world. Will I ever get it through my head that God's way is always better, regardless of the other options?!

Spur One Another On.

It's amazing how influenced we all are by one another. Whether it be a big thing or little, we pick up traits and habits from those around us. For example, I've caught myself picking up on little words or phrases that my friends say without really meaning to. Or on a bigger scale, in my past I've been guilty of changing my standards and morals because of the people I was around the most. It's amazing how looking back I know the stuff was wrong, but because of that close circle of influence I was able to convince myself that it wasn't that bad. The more I think about it, the more I see how much I am influenced by others. If someone else starts complaining about a teacher that I never really seemed to have a problem with, I'll start looking for reasons to complain too. These are all just examples, and I'm sure there are millions more, but this is just a start.

This also means that I influence those I am around too. My complaining could change someone else's perspective, and my attitude can change the whole atmosphere of those around me. If I allow my bad day to affect my attitude, I can easily let that rub off on those around me. It's kind of scary to think about how many times I may have caused someone else to do something wrong because of the influence I had on them. Especially when it comes to talking about other people, I know I'm the worst. I struggle with gossiping, and I allow myself to say things that I shouldn't about those around me. I can only imagine how many times my gossip has caused others to have a different view of a person, or caused them to fall into gossiping as well. I don't want to sound like I've just accepted that I gossip and am okay with it, because I'm certainly not. I'm working on this bad habit of mine, but it takes work.

Today I was reading Hebrews 10, which is all about persevering in your faith. One part in particular struck me:

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,not giving up meeting together... but encouraging one another."

[Hebrews 10:23-25]

While this journey with Christ isn't exactly easy, if we help one another out it becomes easier. We were made for community and relationships by God's design, so it's no surprise that the Body of Christ is the same way. I can't help but wonder that if we focused on "spurring one another on" and encouraged those around us, that things would get easier. Not to say that life would be simple by any means, but then we could help one another get through the tough times. If we were to stop complaining and gossiping but instead focused on helping one another, our relationships would be so much better. We would have stronger relationships with those around us, both because of the quality of the friendship as well as the purpose.

Mighty to Save.

I have been blessed with a God who chooses to need me. It's not like God couldn't do absolutely everything he wanted on his own. Think about it. He's omnipotent. He can do anything he wants. He has such great powers that He has displayed countless upon countless times. Just thinking about everything He has done overwhelms me. For starters, He has:

Created the world.

Created this entire universe, upon others as well.

Kept this world spinning for forever.

Caused a worldwide flood.

Created the entire human race.

Created a way for this entire corrupted human race to be redeemed.

Given us His holy word so that we can learn more about Him.

And somehow,

He has made it possible in a world filled with fallen people for us to serve Him and have a relationship with Him.

The best part is, all of that is just the beginning. He has done so much for those who believe in Him, and even those who don't. Even in my life, I can think of so many instances in which God has showed up right when I needed Him most and helped turn things around. He has forced me to reevaluate those that I have surrounded myself with and change that for the better. He has helped me make all sorts of decisions, both big and small. He has saved me from scary situations, and has saved my life. God has done so much in my life, so much that I don't deserve.

Here I am, a mere sinner obsessed with everything involving myself. How is it even possible that He could still want me, still want to have that relationship with me? How can God still crave my attention, and still accept me just the way I am? It amazes me to no end. When I come to this realization, I'm left feeling like all I want to do is serve Him. I just don't understand how a God so great and powerful and wonderful would still choose to need me. With all my imperfections and shortcoming, He still want me to be a voice for Him and to show His love to those around me. With such a powerful God, how can I not live for Him?

My God is Mighty to Save.

Intentional Relationships.

So through my church back home (Bridgeway; it's great!), I've heard a lot about being intentional in my relationships. My pastors always seemed to be talking about the value of the people around you, and how people were made to be in relationships with one another.

Last semester certainly proved that to me, because I wasn't as strong in my relationships as I was back home and I could definitely see a difference. But the thing is, that weakness in my relationships here at school made me a lot stronger in my relationships back home. I clung to my friends back home a lot more, and put forth a lot more effort to keep those friendships. I missed everyone so much that I didn't want to go home and have those relationships gone, I wanted to keep them and have them be just as valuable when I came back home as they were when I left. I stayed best friends with people, and I even became closer to people from home than I was when we all saw each other daily. I grew so much closer to my family, and began to learn the true value of having such a wonderful family.

I am beginning to learn how to be intentional in my relationships, and how to make a point to show people that I care about them. I am trying to get better at verbalizing to others that they mean a lot to me, beyond just thinking it in my head and never saying a word. I want others to know that I value them in my life, and that I appreciate their friendship. I know that I am a pretty outspoken person, so why shouldn't I be outspoken in my relationships? It doesn't make sense to only voice my opinions loud and clear, without also voicing encouragement to others. I mean everyone likes to know that they are valued, so why shouldn't I be the one to tell others the good things I think of them?

The problem is that regardless of how outspoken I can be, sometimes I let my self-consciousness get in my way. Rather than writing a friend a quick letter saying that I hope they are doing well and that I was thinking of them, I get afraid that whoever the recipient may be will take it the wrong way. I get scared that they will think I was being creepy, or that they may not be as attached to the friendship as I may be and think that I'm just being weird. I get scared, and I let that fear take over. Instead of trying to be an encouragement, I don't say anything. I back down and ignore the opportunity to be intentional in a friendship and instead let the moment pass with words unsaid.

I mean it's not like I would send a long note to a random person I've talked to maybe five times in my life telling them how I couldn't live without them. That's just weird. I'm talking about sending a note of encouragement to close friends of mine telling them that I appreciate them. That's something that could easily be done, but instead I allow myself to back out of that opportunity due to fear. I shouldn't allow fear to get in the way of being intentional and showing others that they mean something to me. I hope this all doesn't sound like I'm just super obsessed with every single one of my friends, because that isn't what I'm trying to say. I just don't want people to think they don't mean much to me, because I value the friendships I have been blessed with a lot.

Interior Design.

So this is a little off topic with what I’ve been writing about before, but it's something on my mind so I figured I would go ahead and write. I mean I’m still going to use this blog to talk about what God is teaching me, but who says I need to limit it to that?! I feel like that just makes me sound like a bad person, or like my life is compartmentalized and God only fits in one part of it, but that just isn't true and I’m just going to talk about whatever!

Okay with that little disclaimer said and done, I'm working on an interior design project right now. Nothing hardcore and life-consuming yet, so far I'm just preparing for the project. I've got to find furniture for rooms in a hypothetical house that I'm going to design, and ah it's so much fun! Like last semester it was a little challenging to get excited over what I was doing because it was so cut and dry. Like here, redraw this floor plan, and make sure every single tiny minuscule detail on it is perfect. Not too much fun if you ask me! But now we are starting to decorate rooms and design them however we want, and I'm realizing how much I'm enjoying this. With those sorts of detail-driven projects, I couldn't help but reevaluate over break I why I had chosen interior design and why I thought I would like it. However, one day over break I went out with a friend to help her pick out things for her house that she is renovating and everything, and it really changed my perspective of my classes! Rather than dreading going back to school and enduring another semester of work, I actually started looking forward to the classes and learning more in this field. Even better, seeing the real world of interior design (like beyond just the classroom) has made me excited to have this career and do something with it! So now with this project, I’m feeling so much more excited about looking at furniture and planning out how I want to make a room look! I know all of this might sound super boring to others, but I’m just glad that I’m more excited about these classes. Like if I'm going to be doing this for another three and a half years, I should enjoy it! And so far I am. Which is great! Sorry if this seems a little random or rambling, I’m just expressing my bit of excitement!

Light and Dark.

"God is in light; in Him there is no darkness at all."

[1 John 1:5]

So I read this verse earlier, and I got to thinking.

Why the heck do I continue to pursue the things of this world, when instead I could pursue God and be spared the darkness this world brings?! In God, there is no darkness. none. that means:

no pain.

no sorrow.

no betrayal.

no deception.

no abandonment.

no loneliness.

no doubts.

no insecurities.

no injustice.

no sin!

i mean the list of "no's" goes on and on, but those were just the first things I could think of. When I see that list, it really makes me want to chase something other than worldliness. Why would I want my life to be consumed of that list above when instead it could be filled with the ways of God? I mean just for starters, being filled with God would include:

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Kindness

Goodness

Thankfulness

Self Control

That list seems so much better! And it is better!

So rather than staying comfortable with the world and all its downfalls, I want to form my life to follow Christ and all the light he can bring to my life. Christ, be my center.

Life with Him.

Hi! So I'm really sorry that I have been slacking on here for the past week or so, I have various reasons for this. First off the first half of that week was so very busy and emotional, filled with preparing to leave home and go back down to school and such. Then there was a full day of driving back down south, and then hanging out with some much-missed family friends over the past few days. Also, upstate South Carolina underwent what seemed to be a blizzard by southerner's standards. Six inches of snow with lots of ice, and school was cancelled for three days! I was so happy to have a few days to adjust to being back away from home before I was thrown back into the rush of schoolwork and such all over again. But even with those things filling my time, I do apologize for not writing in a while.

The thing is, I think part of the reason I haven't written on here in a few days is because my relationship with God has also been lacking. In the same way that I have kind of just stopped being responsible on here, I have kind of just ignored doing devotions and delving further into the Word. Why is it so easy to just relapse and go back to life is without God?! Things are so much easier when I am walking with God, so I don't understand why I just ignore Him.

It frustrates me.

It makes things harder.

and worst of all,

as soon as I start to stray away from Him,

I only continue down that path.

For some reason I find it easier to just continue avoiding God and not spending time with Him rather than admitting that what I did was wrong and humbly come back to Him. I don't get it. Why do I do that?! I guess I just don't want to feel like I've wronged him (which I have), so it seems easier to just avoid the whole endeavor. This is a terrible habit of mine, and it's something I need to get over. I need to set myself aside and go back to God, always. I need to live my life with him rather than just for myself. Selfish living will get me nowhere other than any number of terrible situations I would like to otherwise avoid. To try to keep myself from slipping away from God and spending time with him, I'm trying to keep myself accountable with an online Scripture reading plan. I found one online and it's only for 14 days, so I figure that I can at the very least keep up with that. Sooooo let's see how this goes!

Wonderful Relationships.

Ah today, I got to go up to Taylor University and visit my wonderful best friend. Not only was it so great to see her and meet more of her friends, it was just so nice to see what college life can really be like! Once again, more encouragement for when I go back to school and try to meet new people! But it was so great to just get to hang out with my bestie and everything before I leave for school and we go a few months without hanging out. But the thing is, while her and I haven't spent a lot of time together over the past few months, our friendship hasn't changed much. I mean sure we have to update each other a little more each time we talk as to what is going on in our lives, but nothing major at all. If something even slightly big happens, the other one already knows. I have been so blessed with this great friendship over the past few months especially, and it certainly helped me through this past semester.

Now while my she and I have certainly made efforts to keep each other in our lives, I don't think either of us can be given the credit for remaining so close. The thing is, I truly believe that the reason she and I have stayed such good friends with 600 miles between us is because of our common faith in the Lord. While she and I certainly have similarities that keep us connected, I think that our faith is what has helped us keep such a strong friendship. In this situation, as well as others in my life, I've stayed much closer to those friends who have Christ involved in their life. It's like because we are involved in something beyond ourselves, it helps us remember the importance of our friendship? It's hard to put into words exactly why those friendships seem to stay the strongest, but I know without a doubt it has to do with our relationships with the Lord. It seems to just be a great example of the community and relationships that come out of having that relationship with God I guess this is just another great blessing that God has given me and others who believe in Him!

New perspective.

so tonight I got stuck with cleaning the dishes in my house. [aka twenty minutes of getting soaked and touching other people's food. food they didn't want, and left on their plate to get cold and gross.]

basically, i hate doing the dishes and it's my least favorite chore.

although in general, household chores just suck.

not to say i don't enjoy the cleanliness that comes after the chores are done,

getting them done is just a pain.

but the thing is, chores are one of those things that you just have to do.

cleaning and organizing are things that I've gotta do to keep things in order.

i mean if i didn't do dishes or didn't do my laundry, i would end up running out of clean clothes and dishes while racking up a big stack of gross and dirty objects. which is kind of disgusting.

i mean i know all of this is obvious and everything, but it just got me thinking.

what if I started viewing God's work in my life like chores?

I'm not talking about the times when life seems to be going great and everything is wonderful.

i mean those times when life is just hard.

when things aren't going my way, and I'm feeling lost.

when God is trying to teach me something that I just don't want to hear.

I'm talking about when things are going in a direction I don't want them to, and I don't know why.

See, during those times I hardly ever have any idea what God is trying to do in my life. Plus I just get caught up in how hard it is, and usually lose focus of the fact that God is in control. Which is so selfish of me, and it's something that I need to work on. However it always turns out so much better than I could have ever expected, and I always end up thanking God for working in my life. Looking back, there have been times that I have felt so rock bottom and confused as to what God is trying to do, but once it all becomes clear I can joyfully thank Him for what he has done for me. See the thing is, while doing the chores isn't exactly enjoyable, the cleanness afterwards is worth it. Now obviously God's work in my life is so much more important than chores (and just about everything else in life), but it just started to give me the slightest bit of perspective. I need to realize that God has a plan for me, and even if I don't see it in the meantime, God will always have my best interest in mind. Always. Everything He does for me is good. Anything God ever does is good. I just find that so encouraging! So while there are times that are hard and confusing, I just need to have faith that God is always going to do something good for me if I let him. I'm not saying it won't be tough and a little scary, but I'm learning that I just need to set that aside and let God do His thing.

Feeling Ready.

So yesterday, for the first time all break, I actually felt ready to go back to school. looked forward to it even. i know this sounds like something that should be a normal anticipation for a college student, but this was not the case for me. To be honest, my first semester was sort of... well... basically it sucked. terribly. it wasn't really the ideal "college experience" you hear about, and i kind of lost myself. I mean i was still me, but there were times when i felt surrounded by people i barely knew who barely knew me either. It was a little disheartening, but this is one of those areas that God has taught new lessons that I mentioned before!

You see, i was dreading going back to school. I was dreading leaving my family, friends and comfort zone and go back to that drab dorm room and the campus I'm still unaccustomed to. Even a couple days ago, the thought of going back just made me feel depressed. Now i know this raises the question of why even go back at all, why not find a new school that i know i would love and just forget the whole Anderson idea all together. While this option does sound ideal at times, I know without a doubt that that is not God's plan for me right now. God wants me down at Anderson, for whatever reason, and I have come to accept that. In fact, that is the beginning of what He is teaching me.

Not only has God been showing me that Anderson is in His plan for me, He has surrounded me with people back home who all loooooove their school. like die-hard, go team, there is no better place on earth than my school, emphatic types of people. Now at first this was frustrating and hard to be around, because i clearly did not reciprocate those feelings. But, being around those people has taught me that I need to just put myself out there! I need to make myself meet new people and to invest and pursue those relationships. I've learned it's so easy to say hey and make a friend, but keep it a shallow and non-attached relationship so I don't risk putting myself out there only to be disappointed. This is a characteristic I don't think I ever even knew i had before i went to that strange place called college.

Over the past few days, I have become so confident that God is going to use me this semester if i allow him to. If i put my own selfish pride aside and quit using my workload as an excuse to get out of events, and instead just put myself out there for God to use. I have always wanted to be used as part of God's plan, but I kind of ignored the fact that it involves some work by me too. I can't just sit there and pray once or twice for God to use me, quickly forget about it, but then be disappointed that there was no outcome. I am learning that I need to pursue God entirely and allow him to transform me and use me. I think the reason that I now look forward to going back to school (i can't even believe I'm saying that...) is because I know that if I pursue God, He will pursue me. So if i pursue him in my relationships and allow him to fill me in my loneliness, i am faithfully believing that he will do just that. The thought of leaving my family and my comforts at home is still a little daunting, but i know that God has a plan much bigger than this.

Resolution.

So here is the start to my new blog. Obviously, since there are no posts preceding this one! But I feel a little bit cliché, starting a new blog at the beginning of the year and all. However, my goal is to simply not let this blog become a cliché resolution that comes to a crashing halt in roughly two weeks. I know that with break ending, classes starting and life picking up again that keeping a blog will be a little tough, but I think I can handle it.

I'm really hoping that with this new blog, I’ll be able to keep myself on track with God and focus on learning new things about Him. Over the past few months I have grown in my prayer life and have gotten better at involving God in my daily life, which is good! But, I have slacked off in my devotions and really taking the time to get to know my Savior more and more, so the growing in my faith has slowly come to a halt. Over break, God has really really spoken to me about what my life is all about and how much more I can be doing for Him. I'm learning so much about how much He has done for me, and how much I should do for him. This is where one of my favorite verses (and theme of the blog) comes in! It says:

"Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life." [Philippians 2:14-16]

I stumbled upon this verse a couple of years ago, and it has really stuck with me. It kind of sums up what I want my faith to evolve into, and how to do that. I want to be a strong witness for Christ and shine of His love to those who surround me in my everyday happenings. I want to live in a way that shows who God is in my life, and to do that I need to learn more about God. However, the first half of this verse shows me that I can't just expect to appear that way, but I have to do something first. That is something I have always missed until now. Before, I would try to just be kind and loving to those around me without really sticking to it, thinking that was my best effort of "shining". Now I'm learning that it's a lot harder than that, that I need to eliminate grumbling and arguing, and only then can I begin to shine. It's easy to just say "okay, I won't complain and I won't argue, and I can do it!" If only it were that easy. Instead, it becomes a daily struggle to focus on God rather than all the things I have to complain and argue about, allowing Him to become more important. So, that is what I am striving to do! I want to delve deeply into the Bible and grow in my faith in a way I never have before. God has taught me a lot over the past few weeks, and I'm excited to see where 2011 takes me!