Shine.

The Word

“The Word was with God, and the Word was God.”

I’ve heard that verse many times, and never fully understood what it meant. The part that always really confused me was why Jesus was labeled “the Word”. I had a slight comprehension of how Jesus was with God and how they had the same qualities, but I just couldn’t grasp why He was referred to as “the Word.”

However, the more I read the scriptures, the more this is beginning to make sense. I’ve been in the word more in the past five months than I ever have in my life, and it has taught me a lot. Granted a lot of my time has been spent reading the Law of Moses in the beginning of the Old Testament, so it’s been a little bit of a struggle. But even as I read those books of the Bible, the qualities of God are made so clear to me. God had great love for the people of Israel, and He dearly wanted them to follow Him. He provided for them, He protected them, He was their judge and their leader.

God was all of these qualities, but He didn’t act them out physically. He didn’t physically live as a human among the people; rather He worked through His messengers and resided in pillars of cloud and smoke. He showed His great qualities through His words and His actions towards the Israelite people, but not in physical movements. He was still with the Israelites, but not exactly on their level. That is where Jesus comes in.

Jesus came to earth as a man. Not as a pillar or through a messenger, but as a human. He embodied all of those qualities that God described and showed to the Israelites, but He performed them first hand. Rather than teaching the Israelites about Himself through words, Jesus showed them. He became the living example of all the things God spoke about in the Old Testament. All of the great, mighty traits God shows from a distance in the Old Testament, Jesus showed them through His actions on earth. He took the qualities of God and performed them as a human on an individual scale.

This is kind of hard to wrap your mind around, and I’m even struggling with this as I write about it. Jesus and God are the same, each equally part of the trinity. However, Jesus showed the people around Him those qualities of God. The people didn’t just have to read about them in the Old Testament to learn from them, they simply had to witness Jesus’ actions.

This encourages me even more to read the Bible, and it creates even more of a link between the Old Testament and the New Testament. Rather than God simply being the father and Jesus being His Son, Jesus is the fulfillment of all of the qualities of God mentioned in the Old Testament. Not to say that God didn’t fulfill them Himself, Jesus was simply an individual human (just like you and I) who possessed all of those wonderful and glorious traits of God. Jesus is our example of Godly perfection, and we need to strive to be like Him.

Control.

I never really understood why people would be scared to give God control. Granted I never really gave this idea much thought, but when it would pass through my head I thought it sounded good. I mean logically, it makes sense. Giving the creator of the universe (including your life) complete control of you? Sounds good to me. At least, it sounds good in theory.

However, this summer I have had a lot of time to think about this. As I examine my own life, I see the areas that I just don’t give God control of. It’s easy to say “okay God, my future is yours” when I don’t even know what my future looks like. But then I think about the areas of my life that I really want to go one way, and the thought of giving God control and risking it going in a completely different direction is terrifying.

Some of you may be thinking “well duh! It’s hard!”, so please forgive me. Maybe I’m just a little naïve, but I never really considered it before. I think that is partially is because I never really thought of what it meant to give God control. Yes I have prayed for a while that God would be the center of my life and that I would give up control, but I never really thought about what that looked like. And now that I’m thinking about it, it’s so scary.

Life with God in control isn’t predictable. He does things far beyond our imagination, especially when we aren’t expecting it. Rather than calling our own shots and doing what we want, God does things His way. Life with God in control is open ended, with you as the passenger and God in the driver’s seat.

This idea scares me! I know I shouldn’t be scared, but that part of me that craves control just doesn’t seem to warm up to this idea. I know that the Bible is full of verses all about how God is good and works for the good of those who love Him, and all the ideas sound wonderful. I’m not saying that they aren’t true, it’s just hard to truly believe when it seems like so much is at stake. But then I realized that I am faced with a decision. Either I can choose to live for myself and do whatever I want and ultimately be unhappy, or I can choose to give God control. I can choose to give Him my time, my relationships, my future, my everything.

I’m still working through this concept. I know that it’s something that is needed in my life, but man I’m having a hard time giving it up. I've written about it before, and I hope this all isn't repetitive. I'm processing this, working through it. God is teaching me something here, and I am slowly understanding. It scares me, and God is working through that.

I was talking with a friend recently and she was talking about she is working on living life open handed. God has given us everything, we hold nothing on our own. We can’t take the things God has given us and close our fist around them, determined to do with them what we want. Instead, we need to give it to God. Let Him place it in our hands, but also allow Him to take it away when the time is right. Living open handed, with everything open for God to use. I don’t know why, but this is a huge struggle for me. Like I just can’t get it through my head that this is good.

It’s not God’s way of tricking me or making me pay for the sins I’ve done.

This is God’s way of being in control and giving me the best life possible.

The only thing getting in the way is me.

God is Good.

I was recently talking to some friends from high school (the same ones I briefly mentioned going to Starbucks with before), and we got into a really great discussion. We just started talking about how we couldn’t possibly imagine life without God. I then started to think about everything God has given me, and I was so overwhelmed with how great God is.

I mean honestly, God provides everything. He gives me:

· Joy.

· Unconditional Love.

· The ability to love others.

· Selflessness.

· Humility.

· Wisdom.

· Relationships.

· Unlimited Opportunities.

· Comfort.

· Contentment.

· Thankfulness.

· Purpose in life.

· Assurance.

· Peace.

· No need to worry about the future.

· Appreciation for His blessings.

· Faith.

· Hope.

· More blessings than I could ever count.

· A personal relationship with Him.

· Life.

And that’s just the beginning. God is good.

I couldn’t do life without Him.

Do Not Forget the Lord.

The other day, I opened my Bible for the first time in almost two weeks. I had avoided, excused and simply forgotten my devotions, and the guilt was beginning to set in. One night before bed I decided to open my Bible to where my reading plan had left off and read the passage for that day. The very first words I read as the heading above Deuteronomy chapter 8 were:

“Do not forget the Lord.”

Hmm, what a coincidence. Except, God doesn’t work through coincidences. So God was basically telling me what He wanted to tell me in the most obvious way. Don’t forget about God!

I had allowed myself to fill my schedule with work, family and friends and had put God on the back burner of my life. I had justified my actions with excuses like “but I’ll need the money next year, I have no choice but to work now!” or “I haven’t seen my family for a month, shouldn’t I be spending my time with them?!”. I’m telling you, I told myself and God just about every excuse I could think of.

Then I opened my Bible, and read that friendly little reminder from God. As I continued reading in that chapter, I got to verse 3. It talks about how God provided for the Israelites with manna to teach them that “man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” While I had not been surviving off of manna for the past few weeks, I have been filling my schedule with what I wanted rather than with God. While I have been in prayer, I haven’t been in the Word learning more about Him.

After reading this verse, I realized that God was trying to tell me something else too.

I can’t get by living with me in charge of my life. Nothing I try to do for myself will satisfy, and nothing I accomplish will be enough for me. No matter what I try to do in my life, God is the only one who can truly make me live. His promises, His love, His very existence is what makes me truly alive.

Sure I can live, but God makes me ALIVE.

Freshman Reflection.

Last night I got to see some of the wonderful people I was friends with in high school, and ah it was just great. Then I went to Starbucks with three of my closest friends just to catch up and talk for a little bit. We started looking back on our freshman year and what all we learned, and I came to a great realization.

Freshman year wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world for me. It was a tough transition, and I felt uncomfortable in my surroundings more than I thought I would. I hadn’t realized just how comfortable I had been with my life in high school until I was taken out of it and thrown into a whole new environment. I learned to be a lot more self-sufficient, not just by doing my own laundry and being responsible for my academics, but in terms of my social life and especially with my relationship with God. No longer could I rely on a Sunday church service on and some great small groups throughout the week to keep my fire for God burning strong. I had to do my own devotions and get in the Word on my own to really feel God and see Him working in my life. It was something I wasn’t really used to, and an area of my faith that really required some development.

As I look back over my year, I certainly have a lot to reflect on. I think back to all the times I felt uncomfortable and alone, and the ways God helped me through that. I think to the times that I felt like I was really starting to make friends, and how I was so thankful to the Lord for providing that. I think to when I felt so overwhelmed with my projects that it seemed impossible for me to even stay alive until the weekend, and the way God provided strength and perseverance in those moments. Basically, I can see God in everything.

I learned a lot this year, and some of it was lessons I didn’t really want to learn. I didn’t want to learn what it felt like to be alone, and it wasn’t exactly fun learning how to try and make the strong friendships that I missed so much from high school. I mean I definitely still have those friendships and they are just as strong as before, but I couldn’t just rely on my friends that were hundreds of miles away. I learned that I just had to open up to the people around me and let them in, and make new friends where I was at. This year was a growing experience, and I’m still trying to reflect on it all.

However, as I look back over all the hardships and lessons I learned this year, I’m happy it all happened. Now I know that sounds crazy, and six months ago I'm not sure I would have even slightly believed that I would be saying that one day. I am simply so, so thankful that God used those situations to teach me things. My relationship with God grew more over the past year than I ever could have imagined, and for that I am so thankful. All those times that I was sad and frustrated made me cry out to Him, and through those moments He slowly became all I needed in life. I no longer was reliant on all the comfortable things I had at home, for a time it was just me and God.

I don’t want it to sound like I was an anti-social hermit or anything this past school year, because that wasn’t it. I simply had to adjust and get used to not having my friends from home around me, and I had to learn to make new friends. It’s so funny because I never really thought that would be something I learned in college because I never really struggled with it before. But God works in interesting ways, and He certainly used my situation to teach me. And I’m so thankful He did, because I learned more about Him than I could have possibly imagined.

Moments of Weakness.

I have weaknesses. Things like gossiping, self-scrutiny, being mean, judging others, and o many others. There are things that tempt me, things that I should avoid, and things that I should force myself to overcome. The problem is, I seem unable to do so. There are so, so, somany of these things that it is a little discouraging and overwhelming to think of. It seems like there are some days that I focus so much more on the things that I struggle with than the things that I can do, the things that I can accomplish. Those weaknesses become my self-seen identity, the only part of me that stands out in my own eyes.

The thing is that I can’t handle these weaknesses on my own, not a single one of them. Not the big issues or the minor things, nothing. I need God’s help. I need His strength.

But see, then it gets tricky. I know in my head that I need His strength and power, but what do I do after that? I know to pray to Him, ask for guidance and wisdom, but then I get lost. The frustrating thing is that in my heart, I am dead-set on putting the temptations behind me. I want to move on from them, I want to stop giving in. I have the mental motivation, I just don't seem to actually stick with it. So I pray and ask for wisdom/insight/advice/anything, but I feel like I still don't know what to do next. I wait to see Him work and show me what I need to do, maybe even give me a straightforward list of instructions to overcome my struggle. I want Him to just flat out tell me how to get over what I do wrong.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. I can't just expect God to tell me exactly what I need to do without really trying anything. I need to put forth some effort to show that I want this. I think I have to continually submerse myself so completely in God that the struggle isn’t a struggle anymore. I make it so that my focus is so directed at God that the weakness doesn’t defeat me anymore. Instead, God has defeated it and I have learned another way to glorify God. The focus and emphasis is taken off the weakness and is placed on God instead, the much more deserving recipient of my attention.

And just like that, after days of prayer and slight frustration over this very issue, I have found an answer to my question.

Thank you Lord, you certainly do work in interesting ways.

Humbled in Him.

So often I like to act like I’m the one running my life. I’m #1, the head honcho, the one who gets to call all the shots. I act like God doesn’t really exist, He is just there when I choose to call on His name. It’s as if I even get to call the shots in my relationship with God too, like He doesn’t bother me unless I decide to grant Him some of my attention.

Now please don’t think that I actually consciously and intentionally have these thoughts, because that isn’t the case at all. It’s not like I try to live this way, I simply don’t try to live any other way. This is my natural existence, a resident in a universe centered completely and solely on Reagan. By natural, I mean my instinctive way of living. I so greatly wish that I could say that my innate focus of life is on God, but if I said that I would be lying. Rather, I live my life in a way that is so focused on myself and my wants that I essentially live as if God doesn’t even exist.

The other day I was thinking about this, the embarrassingly selfish way in which I conduct my life. I don’t recognize that God is the reason I even have life, but instead I simply think about myself. The way life is treating me, and the things that make my life oh so unfair. In case you couldn’t tell, that unfair part was complete sarcasm. My life isn’t fair?! Of course it isn’t fair! I deserve hell and eternal death, but instead I have been granted a relationship with God and everlasting life. Now that certainly is unfair, but I’d say I am getting the better part of the deal. If only I could keep this in mind more often.

Now while I was thinking about the life I lead, I was faced with a completely humbling thought. I allow myself to think and act as if God doesn’t exist, but how can I do this?! God is everywhere, both in my life and surrounding it. He is the reason I’m alive, the reason I have air in my lungs and a beating heart in my chest. He is the reason I am blessed, tested, heard and loved. God is the one who gave me my loving parents, my wonderful sisters, and all the amazing relationships I couldn’t imagine life without. He is the reason I am happy, the reason my life has purpose. He is the reason that I have hope and that I can be completely overflowing with joy regardless of what is going on in my life. God is HERE, He is everywhere. HE is in me. HE fills me, He blesses me, He loves me and He is always here for me.

As I take a minute to think of where God is in my life, I realize that there isn’t a single area that He isn’t. Regardless of my feeble attempts to control my life, God still consumes it. And thank goodness He does, because He certainly does a better job at running my life than I ever could.

So as I humbly think about my wonderful and loving creator, I realize that God is all I am. He is love, He is my Savior, and I want Him to be my identity.

No-Stress Reminder.

Sometimes I really wish I could have a little glimpse into what God thinks. Especially when I’m going through hard times, it’d be so great to just have a little insight as to what God is thinking. Not in the sense that I am able to see the future and know how everything is going to turn out, but just so that I would be reminded of God being in control.

Okay, let me explain myself. You know those moments when you are listening to someone vent, and you can’t help but think “okay, things aren’t that bad.” Not in an insensitive or uncaring way, but simply from an outside perspective type of way. It’s like when my seven year old sister tells me about the “big drama” that took place on the playground that day, I simply can’t take it completely seriously. While I still feel badly if someone hurt her feelings or whatever the case may be, I know that what she is describing isn’t the end of the world. You know what I mean?

Now this leads me to wonder what God thinks when I’m the one fussing and complaining and basically freaking out. While He still cares and will always have open ears, I know that He knows things aren’t nearly as bad as I make them out to be. No matter how much I complain and explain to Him why things are so bad that the world just might end, He knows that things are okay and that everything will get worked out.

But the crazy thing is, we do have a glimpse into what God thinks. He has written it all down in the Bible, and all we have to do is read it and soak it up. He has told us countless times not to worry, and that He is in control of everything. Why do I continue to worry and fret when God has everything planned out? It’s not as if my freaking out is really going to change anything other than my mood and stress levels, neither of which is beneficial for myself or anyone around me. Why do I do this?! I think God is teaching me something in this area and has been trying to for a while, and I’m hoping this new perspective will help.

So next time I freak out, I’ll just think of God gently sighing and rolling His eyes in my direction, wishing that I would simply realize that He is in control. My life is in God’s hands, so why should I let my entire existence be overrun with stress?!

Give Up a Little, Get a Whole Lot.

So this past week, I’ve been working at my dad’s office. I started Wednesday, and worked Thursday and Friday as well. While I’m working, I basically don’t do anything that requires much thought at all. I stuff envelopes, I file paperwork, I make copies and I put together binders and such. Once I get a rhythm of what I’m doing, none of it requires much concentration. This means that I have a lot of time to just think about different things, which is greatly appreciated. I put in my headphones, turn on my music, and get lost in my thoughts.

On Wednesday, I turned on my iPod and started to listen to a playlist that I recently made. It included artists like Regina Spektor, Mumford&Sons, Florence + the Machines, etc. While enjoying the music, I got to thinking. I started to think about my relationship with God right now, and how I feel so distant from Him and I don’t know why. I mean sure I haven’t been as dedicated to getting in the Word as I have been in the past, but is that enough to make me feel so distanced and far from Him? I then began to pray that God would fill me, that I would feel Him working in me and that I would be able to shine for Him. I kept praying this as I worked, but nothing changed. I still felt empty and distant as the day went on, and I was discouraged. I kept thinking that maybe I should change the music I was listening to, that maybe I should listen to one of my worship playlists instead. But I kept thinking “after this song ends” or “ah well I really like this song, so after this one”, but of course I never ended up changing my music. I just kept praying for God to fill me, yet didn’t really pay Him attention even in the slightest way of changing my music.

Now, let’s go to Thursday. I started at work on Thursday much the same as on Wednesday, turning on the same playlist and enjoying the songs. Then, I suddenly decided to change. I turned on my worship music, and it took less than five minutes to feel completely uplifted and encouraged. The distance feeling was gone, and I felt like I was completely full of Christ. I continued working feeling a sense of Joy, and I could feel God just changing my perspective. It’s like as soon as I decided to listen to worship music, every thought I had was one that was worshiping Him.

Friday continued much like the second half of Thursday had, worshipping God and enjoying my work. I sat back and tried to think of why those two days had been so different than my first day working, and I realized something. On Wednesday, I had been praying a ton for God to fill me and show Himself to me, yet I hadn’t sacrificed anything for Him. I didn’t even want to give up the music I was listening to, but I was still just expecting Him to appear in my life. Then on Thursday I simply decided that I would rather listen to music that was glorifying to God, and everything seemed to get on track. It was like as soon as I gave God something from me, He responded with more than I ever asked for.

Now I know this is kind of a small thing, listening to different music and stuff. But it just showed me that all God asks for is all of us, and He will give us more than we could ever imagine. He isn’t asking for us to do the impossible, He is just asking for us to give ourselves over to Him.

Reflective Thoughts.

So after completing my freshman year of college, after finishing my final projects and finally moving all my stuff out of my dorm room, after the 8.5 hour drive back to Indiana, I am finally home for summer. This past year has been such a blur, I mean at the time it seemed like it was going so slowly but now that I’m home I can tell that it really flew by. Looking back, I’m trying to reflect on this past year. It seems like so much happened that it’s hard to look at it in pieces, but I know if I put time into it I’ll be happy. I have learned so much over the past eight months away from home, and it’s so crazy to think it’s already over. But I’ll write more about that later, after I’ve had some time to really think and consolidate my thoughts.

Another thing that keeps surprising me is how different everything was a year ago. Last May, I was eagerly anticipating graduation and few things seemed more important to me than getting out of high school. I was soaking up my “final moments” with all my high school friends while being scared at the thought of leaving everyone in the fall. (“Final moments” was in quotes because to be honest, none of those moments were final. They were memories, but those friendships are nowhere near over, thankfully!) I was singing in my last choir performance, and trying to map out all my open house visits. At the time it seemed like I was on top of the world, like everything was going great and that things just couldn’t get better. It’s so strange looking back now, and seeing how much things have changed.

I’m not really sure what the main point I’m trying to say with all this, I hope it appears to be more than rambling. I guess I just encourage you to truly enjoy where you are at in life. Don’t spend so much time anticipating the future or regretting the past. Those things are important, but don’t let them overpower your here-and-now position in life. Enjoy where you’re at, and thank God no matter what’s going on.