Feeling Ready.

So yesterday, for the first time all break, I actually felt ready to go back to school. looked forward to it even. i know this sounds like something that should be a normal anticipation for a college student, but this was not the case for me. To be honest, my first semester was sort of... well... basically it sucked. terribly. it wasn't really the ideal "college experience" you hear about, and i kind of lost myself. I mean i was still me, but there were times when i felt surrounded by people i barely knew who barely knew me either. It was a little disheartening, but this is one of those areas that God has taught new lessons that I mentioned before!

You see, i was dreading going back to school. I was dreading leaving my family, friends and comfort zone and go back to that drab dorm room and the campus I'm still unaccustomed to. Even a couple days ago, the thought of going back just made me feel depressed. Now i know this raises the question of why even go back at all, why not find a new school that i know i would love and just forget the whole Anderson idea all together. While this option does sound ideal at times, I know without a doubt that that is not God's plan for me right now. God wants me down at Anderson, for whatever reason, and I have come to accept that. In fact, that is the beginning of what He is teaching me.

Not only has God been showing me that Anderson is in His plan for me, He has surrounded me with people back home who all loooooove their school. like die-hard, go team, there is no better place on earth than my school, emphatic types of people. Now at first this was frustrating and hard to be around, because i clearly did not reciprocate those feelings. But, being around those people has taught me that I need to just put myself out there! I need to make myself meet new people and to invest and pursue those relationships. I've learned it's so easy to say hey and make a friend, but keep it a shallow and non-attached relationship so I don't risk putting myself out there only to be disappointed. This is a characteristic I don't think I ever even knew i had before i went to that strange place called college.

Over the past few days, I have become so confident that God is going to use me this semester if i allow him to. If i put my own selfish pride aside and quit using my workload as an excuse to get out of events, and instead just put myself out there for God to use. I have always wanted to be used as part of God's plan, but I kind of ignored the fact that it involves some work by me too. I can't just sit there and pray once or twice for God to use me, quickly forget about it, but then be disappointed that there was no outcome. I am learning that I need to pursue God entirely and allow him to transform me and use me. I think the reason that I now look forward to going back to school (i can't even believe I'm saying that...) is because I know that if I pursue God, He will pursue me. So if i pursue him in my relationships and allow him to fill me in my loneliness, i am faithfully believing that he will do just that. The thought of leaving my family and my comforts at home is still a little daunting, but i know that God has a plan much bigger than this.