Harsh Self-Realizations.

Lately, I've been stuck in a rut. I feel like it's all I write about on here, so if I seem redundant I am sorry and I want to change. I have been choosing to settle for stressfulness and discontentment with the way things are in my life rather than just choosing to believe God has a plan. I settle for what I want to do rather than handing over the control.

I'm sort of a control freak. I can't remember if I've mentioned that or not, but anyone who even remotely knows me probably knows this. It's not something I am proud of, it's just something I need to learn to set aside. I think the source of the problem is my pride mixed with my want for control. I want to feel like I am the one in control, that I am the one calling the shots. I want to see the outcome of my work, and to know that people expect me to be a leader. Even as I write that I want to just erase it and pretend it isn't true, but unfortunately it is.

The biggest problem with allowing my pride to run my life is the fact that I simply accept it. I allow myself to think that that's just the way I am, that there is nothing I can do about it. I don't just mean in the area of being a control freak, but in every area of my life. I let my pride call the shots rather than God. I settle with the mentality that I can't change the way I am, and that I'm just stuck being self centered and ruled by my pride.

See, I didn't even realize that I had this mentality until I read something my wonderful best friend wrote. (Her blog is whitney-mypaperheart.blogspot.com, you should check it out) In her most recent post she mentioned how God is changing her, how she is seeing Him work in her. AS I read this, I was so encouraged and suddenly I realized that I don't have to be this way. I don't have to let my pride or my ego dictate my actions, I have no obligation to act this way. Rather, as a Christian I actually have an obligation to not let those things define my actions. I need to fight against those innately sinful aspects of my life, and to give God control.

Giving God control is one of those phrases that is always thrown around; I feel like I say it and pray it all the time. But in actuality, I can't remember the last time I actually gave God complete control. Which is just ridiculous, because the whole focus of being a Christian is to give your life over to God and live for Him rather than yourself. I let myself get away with just doing what I want to do, and I don't really live for Him at all.

I'm beginning to realize all of these pathetic, sad elements of my life and am determined to change them.

God needs control of my life, not me.

He deserves my everything, including my pride.

I need to stop simply saying I need to change, and instead I need to do something.

God redeemed me, now I need to glorify Him.

End of story.

Who Gets the Glory?

“Jesus is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him.”

Last semester I heard that quote, and every time I have come upon it since it has always caught my attention. It sounds so simple, yet as usual putting it into action proves to be a bit of a challenge. When I allow myself to be completely satisfied in Christ and to put myself aside, others can see God more clearly in me. I mean it makes sense, when I live in a way that is content with God in control, my actions should certainly be more glorifying to God.

When I live for myself, the only person I am glorifying and pleasing is my own sinful nature. What is the benefit of that? What is the point of living a life that only makes myself happy, and doesn’t do anyone else any good? I mean sure we can convince ourselves that we are benefiting the other people around us in one way or another with our actions, but if we get down to the truth of the matter that isn’t true. There is no way that others can see God in my life when I personally don’t have God active in my life. I feel like sometimes I let myself think that even if I’m just doing what I want, people will think I'm a good person and will see good in my actions anyways.

Even if what I’m doing isn’t necessarily bad, having that mentality is only building up my pride. It makes me think that as long as what I’m doing is still good, then people will think that I’m good. That isn’t right either! That still makes it all focused on myself! There is no true, Godly benefit to doing whatever I want to do. And the thing is, once I get in a routine of living for myself, it’s hard to snap myself out of it. It becomes comfortable, and I begin to excuse my actions completely. That’s why earlier when I mentioned that I had kind of fallen out of my devotions over break, I knew I had to make myself get back in them. Otherwise I would have gotten comfortable in not spending time in the Word, and it easily could have been a month before I even really thought about doing them again. That’s so wrong! I shouldn’t have this whole method of living for myself.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that quote is so very true. I need to live my life in a way that is so very content on God that nothing else matters. My pride doesn’t matter. What other people think of me doesn’t matter. My sinful human nature doesn’t matter. All of the things that I allow to dictate my selfishly-led life don’t matter.

I need to allow God to be glorified in my life more than I let myself be glorified.