Forgiveness.

Hello!

So I'm sorry that I haven't really written lately, I've been caught up in stress, homework and other things. I've been workin on some projects, as well as relaxing between all the workload. Unfortunately, my lack of posting on here means a lack of time with God too. The past week I have just been really slacking on spending quality time with God and actively reading His word. Instead, I've been avoiding my devotions and pushing off my Bible reading. However, this morning I finally sat down and really got back in the Word, and I feel much better now! So I thought I would post on here and share some of my thoughts.

One of the things I read this morning was in Genesis 50, at the end of Joseph's life. After Joseph and his brothers’ father Jacob died, his brothers became afraid that Joseph would pay them back for all the terrible things they had done to him. When Joseph became aware of his brothers' fear, he responded telling them:

“Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.”

Now Joseph clearly had a reason to be angry at his brothers and hold their wrongs against them, but he didn’t do that at all. He accepted them back, he forgave them, he provided for them and gave them far beyond what they expected. I find this so amazing, that after everything they did he simply forgave them. And then after their father’s death, when Joseph could have gotten away with showing anger and vengeance towards his brothers, he still continued showing them love. His forgiveness was genuine, and he loved his brothers all the same.

What if we all started to act this way? What if we simply forgave the people who have done us wrong, regardless of whether we think they have received adequate punishment for their actions? It seems like it’s easier to forgive the people who have already had to pay for what they have done, but what if we all just forgave people regardless? It seems so easy to expect to be treated this way by others, but what if we acted this way ourselves? What if we accepted the fact that God is in control and that He is the ultimate judge, and that nothing we do could ever equal what he can do.

God knows what people have done to us, and more importantly He knows what we have done to others. He knows the wrongs we have committed against each other and against Him, but he still loves us. He can change any situation and make it good. Everything God does is good, so why should we meddle in the middle and try to fix it all ourselves? All that is going to do is make things worse for us, and ultimately point out how small and powerless we are in comparison to God Almighty.

I am so thankful that God is in control of this world, and that all I can do is serve Him.

Reminded of His Gift.

Yesterday morning I went to church at Discover Church, and they were celebrating their eighth anniversary. I’ve been attending this church since about October, and I love it! It reminds me a lot of my church back home and I get a lot out of the Pastor’s teaching. Since yesterday was their anniversary they were celebrating everything God had done through their church and what all had been accomplished for His glory. One thing I really liked about the service was that it was so encouraging, like that God had just started His work in the church and that they have so much more to do for His kingdom. They weren’t centered on what all the church had done, but rather the fact that God had chosen to use them in the lives of so many different people.

During the service, the pastor said one phrase that really stuck with me. It wasn’t a main point, and I bet many people left church that morning without giving this sentence a second thought. I, however, was really struck by this phrase and was pleasantly reminded of how much my Father loves me. The pastor said:

“God paid the highest price to give you the best gift, for free.”

Now I know this is a phrase that seems to be thrown around all the time, whether it be as a strong point in a sermon or as a lyric in a worship song. It’s not really anything new, and I know I’ve heard it many times before. However, yesterday it happened to be exactly what I needed to hear.

So often I forget that God actually had to pay to give me salvation and eternal life. It’s so easy to just assume that since God can do everything, he just magically snapped his fingers and gave me eternal life. I let myself forget the power behind His mighty act of saving me, and I get caught up in the fact that he saved me. I focus on the fact that I have been given this new life, and that I don’t need to fear death because I have something better. It’s all about me, me, me.

Then I am bluntly reminded that it’s about God. Not me, not the people surrounding me, not any other single person on this earth. It’s about Him. He was the one who graciously saved me and every other sinner on this earth. He is the one who created this beautiful, perfect earth, and us sinners are the ones who ruined it. He is the one who died on the cross, and it was me and my sins put Him there. He suffered the most severe pain, He was betrayed by everyone close to Him, and He was the one who went through the worst of the worst to save a fallen world. It’s so ridiculous how I make it all about me, when the only part I really play is the bad guy.

By realizing that it’s God’s story and not mine, I am overwhelmed with a renewed sense of humility. I realize once again that I am so small, and that God is so huge. He surrounds me, controls my life, knows my inner thoughts and intentions, and yet loves me more than I could ever begin to comprehend. He continues to shatter any sense of importance I place in myself, and makes me so appreciative that I have his gift of life.

I know it sounds so cliché, but the thought of living life on my own and trying to get myself through it all sounds miserable. My embarrassingly-frequent selfish moments are bad enough; I can’t imagine living a whole life without any consideration for someone bigger than myself. I’m a terrible sinner, a rotten person, a self-consumed and pride-centered individual in desperate need of a Savior. And I thank my Father above that I have been given one who paid the greatest price for me.

Biblical Confusion.

So as I continue with my chronological reading, I’m getting more and more excited about this! Like right now I’m reading the story of Joseph which I have certainly heard many times before, but it’s always interesting to read it from the word of God and see what the Bible really has to say. It seems like when I hear the stories they’re always a little watered down or summarized, and reading those little details again is a bit refreshing.

So towards the end of Genesis, in the middle of the account of Joseph, there is a story about Joseph’s brother Judah. Now if you haven’t heard of this story before I’m not too surprised, because I hadn’t heard of this story before this summer. A small group at my church read Francine Rivers’ book “A Lineage of Grace,” which tells the story of five different scandals that are involved in forming the line of Jesus. If you haven't ever read this book I highly recommend it, it's so wonderful! One of stories included is the story of Judah and a woman named Tamar.

Now this story is definitely the sandals of all scandals in the Bible, I’d even go as far as to call it a scriptural soap opera. Let me warn you now, this is definitely not a clean and g-rated story! You see, Judah had three sons, and the eldest was married to a woman named Tamar. But this son was so evil that God killed him, so Tamar became the wife of the second son. This son was evil as well, so God took his life also. The third son was too young for a wife, so Judah sent Tamar back to her father’s house and told her that he would come for her when the last son was of age. However, Judah never came for Tamar, leaving her feeling unwanted, shamed and humiliated. Then Tamar got news of Judah coming through her town, so she posed as a prostitute at the city gates. Judah saw her there, and not knowing that she was his daughter-in-law, he slept with her. Then Tamar became pregnant by Judah, and news got back to Judah that Tamar was suddenly pregnant. Not knowing that the child was his, he immediately proclaimed that she should be brought into the middle of his city and killed. However, Tamar made it known that it was Judah who had made her pregnant, and Judah was publically embarrassed and ashamed of what he had done. Everyone knew what he had done, and Tamar was cleansed of any blame she had previously had. What a strange family story!

As I read t his, I became more and more confused, as well as grossed out. I mean I know it’s the Bible and that this story is there for a reason, but it just seems a little different than most of the stories found in the Bible! However, there are parts of this story that I just don’t understand. Like after Judah is outed to the whole town, he says “She is more righteous than me, because I wouldn’t give her my son.” What does this even mean?! Like how on earth was she being righteous? It seems to me that she was being sneaky and a bit driven by revenge more than anything else! I’m sure this is one of those stories that is so drenched with the Hebrew customs that it’s hard to understand without knowing the culture of the people. I wish I knew the traditions of the Hebrew people so that I could understand the meaning behind this story without getting caught up on the strange events that took place. For me, it’s hard to read this story and get a lot of spiritual benefit out of it, because I focus on how confusing this story is to me. I also am left wondering what it could possibly be saying about God and His people, and what their customs were like at that time.

I guess this is just one of those times that I simply have to accept that I don’t know everything about the Bible. Clearly God had a plan and was blessing His people regardless of the methods, even if it doesn’t make sense to me at all.

If you have any sort of insight about this story, please share it! I’m kind of lost with this whole story, so I would love to have some more understanding.

I Want to Read with a New Mind.

As I have said before, I am working through reading the whole Bible in a year. Now I never really viewed this as something that I wanted to do, which I know sounds just terrible. But like before I was really content just reading through Paul’s letters in the New Testament and Proverbs, without much attention being paid to any other part of the Bible. So then I started trying to branch out and find somewhere else to read, but I had no idea where to start! Plus when I did find somewhere new to start, I would get bored and just stop reading all together. Needless to say, that method wasn’t exactly working.

So then I was looking online, and I found the site youversion.com, and it totally helped me find something to read and stay on track with it. Just the fact that there is a daily reading for me to do and a deadline and accountability of sorts to keep reading has helped me stay in the word a whole lot more than I would have otherwise. I know all of this sounds like I’m just doing a commercial for the website and like it all isn’t really genuine, but it really is!

Now that I’m almost a month into this year-long plan (day 25 to be exact), and I have learned so much. I already wrote a bit on what I learned from Job, but that’s not the only place that I have been learning from. Reading back through Genesis has been interesting because I’m reading those stories that I grew up hearing in church, but in a very different way. Not to say that the way it was taught in church was incorrect, now I’m just hearing the unedited version. Nothing is watered down or made age-appropriate for the kids, it’s all the nitty gritty details.

Now this isn’t the first time that I have read these stories from the Bible, but reading them all in a row really seems to make a difference. Like rather than just reading a little here and a little there, I am reading them all together and seeing the connection between each one. It’s really interesting to read the whole story and see what really happened, and to be reminded of all those little details that I have managed to forget over time.

However, as I reread through these chapters, I am struck with the desire to read them and soak them in as if I’ve never read them before. It’s so easy to just skim over the stories I grew up hearing simply because I’ve heard them so many times. As I read through them, I wish that I could absorb their true meaning with a new outlook and forget the fact that I already know how the story is going to end. I think that is part of the reason I found Job so interesting, I really had no idea how it was going to end. Again, I had heard the general, watered-down story in Sunday school, but I had never taken the time to read the story for myself. As I read through Genesis, I pray that God will open my mind and help me to see things I’ve never seen before, and most of all learn brand new things about Him. It always blows my mind that the God I read about in the Old Testament is the same one who loves me and cares for me today. Ah man, our God is a great God.

Tomorrow will continue my reading through Genesis, and I am really praying that God will show me something new. I pray that I will learn something new about his power and love that I’ve never realized before, and I pray that I will find some application out of reading those great stories. Basically, I want to learn to read with new eyes and a new mind.

Heartbreaking.

So today, in an effort to avoid my art homework for as long as possible, I was looking online at a website called lettersillneversend.com. The whole point of the site is to allow people to write and posts letters anonymously without having to send them to their actual recipients. I’ve seen this site a few other times but haven’t really spent much time looking around, but for some reason today I was very interested.

As I began reading, I was initially just interested. Curious and nosy, really. I wanted to know what people had to say, what sort of things they would write without the pressure of having to say their words exactly right or make sure they got their point across, because the person that the letter was meant for would never read it. So the first few pages I just skimmed through the topics, and stopped to read the ones that sounded interesting.

Then I began to read all the letters on each page, and it was simply heartbreaking. The stories people told of their pain and their sorrow, and their hopelessness. One letter was written for the author’s mother, telling their mom all about their awful past with drugs, drinking, and everything those substances had caused to go wrong in their life. This letter, along with many, many others, included the author crying out to their deafened audience in a muted voice. They weren’t allowing themselves to actually send it to someone who could help, but instead simply posting it somewhere in hopes to feel a bit of relief by admitting it to a nameless abyss. The majority of the letters I read were written by broken people, searching for a source of hope and relief. Whether they had been broken through abandonment, judgment, hopelessness or fear, it didn’t matter. Something had broken them, and they were left trying to pick up the pieces.

Reading those letters made me so sad and heavy-hearted, and I wish I could do something to help. It made me think about all those people I come into contact with every day, and what they could be hiding. I think back over all the times I have been so quick to judge someone, and I wonder how many times I have been the one to make things seem even worse to the recipient of my harsh judgment.

I never know where other people are at in their lives, so who says it’s up to me to decide what kind of person they are? No one, that’s who. I certainly hate feeling judged and condemned by those around me, so why on earth would I do that to someone else? Something has got to change.

Ugh.

Gotta love those reality checks.

His Plan is Good.

So today I kind of had a flash back to one of the scariest events of my life. I can’t exactly go into many details at all thanks to different issues, but I can say it involved a car crash in early August. That night God protected me and my sister, and showed His grace and mercy to me more vividly than I had ever witnessed before in my life.

See, today I got an email saying that there was another side to the story, and that side may make my side look a little tainted. I know that sounds like it’d be obvious, but that didn't matter. It’s complicated and a mess, and I can’t really say much more, but that doesn't really matter! You’ll just have to take my word for it.

When I read that email I kind of panicked, and was so afraid that no one would believe me. I was afraid that the people who needed to see my side wouldn't, and that things would be messed up. I began to think through the events of that night and try and come up with what I could have done differently, what I did wrong, and what I should have done. I began to replay it all in my head, but I couldn't come up with a better option than what I did that night. I called my mom and briefly told her what was going on, and she processed it all and called me back with some wonderful comfort. She told me that in that situation I did all that I could, and that it doesn't matter what the other person thinks. What is supposed to happen will happen, and that’s just that. I can’t change what I did that night, and I certainly can’t change the outcome.

I knew that what she was saying was true, and as she talked to me I really soaked it all in. She was right! God had a plan, and that plan is going to happen no matter what. Both in this situation as well as every other area of life. God has a way that He wants things to go, and nothing can get in His way. I mean come on, what can possibly even try to stop the God of the universe? Nothing is really coming to my mind.

How comforting is that?! No matter what, God’s Will will be done. What he has planned is going to happen, and everything He does is good. Even those things that seem so terrible and awful, those things that seem nothing but miserable, are good. I had to remind myself of this constantly after the accident, and it took a long time for me to believe it. And last semester when I started college, that was definitely a time that I had to give myself that reminder all the time just to keep my sanity. God has a plan, and it is good. Always. Not sometimes, not just when I pray a lot, not just when God is happy with me, always.

It’s amazing how God can always give you comfort you when you go looking for it.

Family.

So my family came down here to South Carolina too see me Thursday night, and it's been so wonderful! My mom and sisters came on Thursday, and then last night my dad last-minute decided to come down for the weekend, so he got in late last night too! I've just gotten to be with them and hang out and spend time with them, and I'm absolutely loving it. It seems like at school I miss them oh so much, and when I'm with them it's just wonderful! Like getting to see Piper getting bigger and becoming such an active little girl is just crazy, and I'm so sad that I have to miss out on some of that while being away at school. And then missing seeing my sister Paige experience high school first hand, and little Riles enjoy first grade and just be an energetic, excited little miss. There are definitely things that I'm missing out on because of going to school far from home, and every time I see them again that seems to become really clear. And when I'm at school and feeling homesick, all I seem to focus on is everything that I'm not there for because I'm far. Like how I miss seeing them grow up and all their experiences, and how I feel so distant from them at times.

But then when I see them, all those things I'm missing out on suddenly become unimportant and I focus just on how great it is to be with them. While being away from home is hard, being away has certainly taught me how to value my family. I'm learning more and more how simply wonderful my family is, and how lucky I am to have them. I have such great relationships with everyone in my family (most of the time), and I know that I am truly blessed to be able to say that. I can't believe that I have been given such a great support system, and it's so reassuring to know that they're always there for me. They've been by my side through so much, and I'm not sure I could ever express to them how much that means to me.

While seeing them leave on Monday morning is going to be painful and sad, I know that I will see them again soon. And the thing is, regardless of distance and business, I know that they're my family and that will never change a thing.