By My Side.

Yesterday, I was in such a terrible mood. I had tons of work to do but it was all boring to me, and things just weren’t goin my way. I had to endure the worst art critique of my life, which consisted of my teacher embarrassing myself and other students in the class with her comments about our work, smiling the whole time as she did so. It was miserable. After a 20 minute vent-session via phone to my mother, I got in my car and just drove. I was still fuming and so offended and hurt as I thought back over my day, when suddenly the song on the radio caught my attention. It was Tenth Avenue North’s “By Your Side.”

A few weeks ago I made a couple worship-themed CD’s for my car for those times after I leave church or just feel really close to God and don’t feel like listening to the shallow crap on the radio. So I happened to have left one of them in my CD player, and in that moment those lyrics just spoke to me. I paused and heard the lines:

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

How great is that?! like ah, that certainly turned my mood around. Or at least made me stop and think about whether what I was so hurt and offended by was really worth it. I mean yes, what she did was rude and unnecessary, but the moment I started to listen to these words, I realized that none of that mattered. It didn’t have to bother me so much, it wasn’t even that big of a deal. No matter how upset or angry I got towards that lady, it couldn’t change a single thing that had just taken place. No matter how much I wanted to take back that class, I couldn’t.

And the thing is, God knew that class was going to go that terribly. He knew what the teacher was going to say, and He knew how I was going to feel. So I figure, why let something that was totally planned defeat me? Why let that make me hate art class even more than I already do, and why let that ruin my day? Clearly God is on my side and is ready to take me into His arms and comfort me no matter what is going on in my life, so why take this one event so personally?

Needless to say, God gave me a nice little reality check.

You would fix your hair! Why not just fix you.

So tonight at small group, I heard a really interesting statement. It was actually a recap from last week's study [which i happened to miss], and they were talking about learning stuff in church. Like that feeling you get when you leave a service on Sunday morning and feel really motivated and inspired by what the pastor says, but then by the time Sunday evening rolls around you've already forgotten what the pastor said that was so great.

Anyways, what the girls said was something along the lines of:

"It's like when you look in the mirror and see that your hair is messed up. Of course you aren't going to walk away with your hair still a mess; instead you're going to fix it. It should be the same way with church. You shouldn't be okay with seeing something wrong in your life but walking away and leaving that part of you a mess. Instead, you should take it as a hint of things you need to fix, and change it immediately, just like you would your hair."

How great is that?! It's so true! At least for me it is. It seems like every single Sunday I leave church feeling so so inspired and encouraged to change myself for Christ, but I immediately forget. No matter how motivated or convicted I feel, I always allow myself to go back to however I was before without a second thought. This is so ridiculous! If I am clearly seeing something that is against what God wants and isn't compatible with Jesus' teachings, then why should I allow myself to continue down that path?

So many times I hear something great and realize an area in my life that I need to fix, but that's about as far as it goes. I feel really convicted for about a total of an hour maybe, and then I just forget about it and continue on with my life. It's like I totally limit God's influence in my life, and I only allow Him in so much. Rather than giving everything over to Him and really trying to change myself for His glory, I get too selfish and focus on what I want to do. I convince myself that doing what God would have me do would just be hard, so I would rather just give up before I even start. I mean I don't consciously admit all of those things, but those are the messages that my actions send to people.

The worst part is, I hate how often I come to this realization. Even today, before small group, I was thinking about how often I see something wrong in my life but don't put forth the full effort to change. It's just terrible! I think this time, I want to make it different. Actually, I know I do. God has done so much for me, and I am learning more and more every day, that it's just ridiculous for me to continue living for myself. Especially when the outcomes and results aren't that great at all. All I gain from living for myself is pain, frustration, anger and discouragement. Living for Christ gives so much more!

It's time I turn this all around.

A Non-human Savior.

For the past week or so, I've been really focusing on love. I don't really know why, it's not like I think about it constantly or anything, I guess it's just something that's been on my mind a lot when I sit down to write. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that it's time I change some things in my life? Chances are, that's about right.

Anyways, a couple weeks ago I saw something really interesting from a friend on twitter. She said to read the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13, but to replace the word "love" with your name. So I went and read it, and man is it powerful. Personally I like the message version's listing of these verses best, so this is what it looks like:

[reagan] never gives up.
[reagan] cares more for others than for self.
[reagan] doesn't want what it doesn't have.
[reagan] doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Now if only I could say even one of those things were true. Reading over that list, I realize just how un-loving I truly am. I certainly enjoy the feeling of other people showing love to me, but why can't I do that for other people? It's amazing how much I can get caught up on myself and my pride, and how often I entirely forget about others. I wish I could just always have these verses plastered directly in front of my eyes as a constant reminder of how I should be acting. I should be loving and kind and patient and forgiving, but unfortunately I allow myself to settle for less. I allow my sinful human nature to get in the way, and instead I just get consumed with myself. It's so pathetic really.

The absolutely awesome part of it though is that I have a savior who is none of the things I am. He isn't self righteous. He isn't bitter towards me. He isn't caught up on what other people think of Him. He isn't human! And it's so wonderful. The moments when I start to think of how sinful and human I really am, those are the times I am so thankful to have a God who isn't like me at all. Hallelujah!

I Deserve to be Job.

So about a week and a half ago, I started an online plan to read through the Bible in a year. I decided that it's a little backwards to keep reading the same passages out of Scripture when there are so many others that I haven't even glanced at. The thing about this plan, however, is that it is in chronological order. So rather than reading every chapter in order from Genesis to Revelation, it all goes in time order. First I read Genesis 1-11, and then it jumped to the book of Job. Once I finish Job, it will go back to Genesis 12! I thought the idea of reading it in order of events was interesting, so I'm goin with it.

Now I don't know about you, but I haven't ever even thought about reading through Job before. All I knew about the guy was that God allowed Satan to take everything from him, but Job did not turn away from God. I really had no background information or any extensive knowledge about the book, so I was pretty excited to start reading it. However, as I continued to work my way through the book, I kind of hit a wall. The whole book is basically the effect of the Devil taking everything from Job and he having nothing, and complaining to his closest friends about it. For the whole book. At least, up until chapter 31, where I am at now. So while I started off this book feeling really excited and encouraged, as i continued reading it was almost depressing. Job was complaining about his whole situation, which I would certainly do as well if I were him, but regardless it wasn't very encouraging in my faith. So I began to think about what I could get out of reading this book, and it took a little bit of thinking. Finally, I came up with something that I can apply to my life so much, and even since realizing it today it has helped me.

So like I said, upon thinking about Job I began to see something applicable in the book. Ya see, I'm a huge control freak. Huge. As much as I hate to admit it and as much as I think I try to hide it, it's true. I like to know that I am in control of a situation and that things will go my way. (btw, how selfish of me! anyways, back to Job). After reading through Job, it sounds like he was quite a control freak too. He was perfectly comfortable with how his life was, and he felt like he was great at honoring God in his own surroundings. He felt like all was good with him and God, and that he was living his life for the Lord. But then God showed His great power and allowed Job's life to be drastically changed. Job was no longer in any position of power and control over his own life, and as a result he was left with nothing. No family, no home, no income, no job, no belongings at all, his health was left scathed and his dignity was greatly injured. All of the sudden, he grew sick, depressed, insecure, alone and bitter. While Job never cursed God (just like God said he wouldn't), I still didn't perceive Job as blameless or perfect throughout this whole thing. Not that I would be either, but just pointing that out. Upon being taken out of his lavish comfort zone, Job was left struggling to cling to God and to truly see His greatness. Job is questioning God and his faith begins to falter. Job no longer is as honoring or respectful towards God; instead, he complains. He gets mad and sulks and complains to all around him and grows depressed.

As I read through Job, I realized something drastic. I deserve to be Job. I deserve to have nothing. I deserve to be the devil's toy, merely a life to be messed with. I deserve for God to show me what having no control over my own life looks like. I deserve to be humbled and hurt like Job. I should be lost and alone, left with no one by my side.

When I look around me and realize what all I have been given, it's simply amazing. I think I am so very guilty of growing complacent with all my blessings, and I begin to not really notice what all I have actually been given. As I read Job and saw what having almost nothing looked like, my life begins to not look so bad. Pretty good, actually. All my stresses, burdens, frustrations and failures are manageable. And when I see all the power God shows to Job, I am so thankful that a God like that loves me.

He died for me.

He gave up everything He had, made himself lower than I could ever possibly imagine (far lower than Job was, even in his darkest days), and did that for me.

He took my place.

And Jesus did that all, out of love for me.

Overused Love.

So I should be working on homework. I'm actually sitting here in the studio with all my project stuff set up right in front of me, but I'm ignoring it.

Last week I was talking to some girls at small group actually, and they were saying how people can completely use some words the wrong way. Like the word "awesome". It was a word used to describe God, describing His power. Today, I can use the word countless times a day describing anything from the weather to my socks. That's just ridiculous! A word used to describe my creator is instead used to describe any given thing I find interesting in my day to day living. Back in high school I remember my best friend [http://whitney-mypaperheart.blogspot.com/] totally gave up saying the word "awesome". She decided that it just wasn't right to use it everyday, so she reserved it for only God. I think this is so cool! and thinking back on it now, I'm starting to think that way about other words too. For example...

Love. I feel like that is a term that is totally misused these days, and when I looked on Google that is only confirmed. I looked up what answers "love" brought up on Google, just to get a taste of what the worldly view of love really is. It's just pathetic. Things like "[making] love", "love calculator" and Las Vegas all came up on the first page. Is that really how love is defined these days?! That is nothing at all how the Bible defines love, and it just makes me a little crazy. Like thinking back over all the things I claim to love every day is ridiculous. I think today I proclaimed love for What Not To Wear, Panera, bread and slippers.

How can I even say those things seriously, when love is one of those terms that should be saved? I don't really love those things at all, or any of the other pointless inanimate objects I claim to love every day. Love is much more than an affection for a given object, it is an active verb. It involves showing others Christ's attitude and greatness in the way you treat them.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days, and I am really going to try to cut down on my use of the word "love" when it's unnecessary. Yes, there are things I truly love, and situations where I know the word is appropriate without a doubt. However, I don't need to profess to love every single thing that makes me a little bit happy. So now, if you happen to agree with me, I challenge you to do the same thing. I challenge you to just think about it, and figure out what you think.

Outcomes of trials.

So yesterday I started to touch on the fact that I complain sort of a lot. Then, last night God continued to pound it into my head that I need to quit.

Last night I was at Bible study, and we were reading through James 1. This passage is one of my favorites and it holds so much wisdom for all sorts of encouragement. As a group all of us were saying different verses that spoke to us or different meanings we found to the passage, but I just couldn't get past verses two and three. They say:

" Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

I thought this was so great, because it kind of just hit me where I was at. It's so easy for me to complain and always find something that is wrong with life, no matter what. I pick at little situations and get annoyed that it's cold out, when instead I should be rejoicing that i'm not stuck in the snow/ice blizzard that is goin on back home. No matter how big or small an issue is, I can always find a downside.

Those verses just really spoke to me because they are talking about real trials. Not minute little details that I just pick at, but serious things. Like real struggles. Tough times. Not little things like the weather or how hard my classes are this week.

And the thing is, it isn't like God excuses complaining when times get hard. It's not like He says "oh yeah, that trial is really hard for you. I understand why you're complaining so much." Nope. Not at all. Instead, he said to consider those situations with pure joy. Not half hearted joy. Not forced joy that you don't really mean. But pure joy.

So that means to be fully and completely joyful about going through that hard time and those struggles, because you know God is doing it for a reason. God isn't going to just make me suffer for no reason, but by putting me through those trials He is helping me to build up perseverance. He wants me to get stronger and to be able to deal with those struggling times better, but the only way to do so is through experience. Through each hard time He is teaching me how to deal with them better, and how to make them more manageable next time.

When you think about it that way, and when you forget about how hard those trials can be, those trials almost look like blessings. Like God is taking the opportunity to teach you something to help make you stronger in Him! And as usual, nothing in Christ is easy and it has to be worked for. You've got to struggle and work through those trials and really persevere in your faith, and as a reward your faith will be strengthened.

Refocus.

So I apologize for the lack of posting, I've been busy with school and projects and attempting to have a social life! But I have a few minutes here before I've got to rush off to class, so I figured I would write on here.

I'm currently in the middle of making worship-themed cds and just thinking about everything God has done for me. It always amazes me that no matter how much I screw up and abandon Him, He is always ready to take me back. Over the past week or so I've gotten pretty slack at spending time with Him and really trying to learn more about Him. So last night I got to thinking back on the reason I started this whole blog. I wanted to grow in my faith and learn to shine for Christ more. I looked back on the verse in Philippians 3 that is my motivation for all of this, and I remembered the phrase proceeding the part about shining for Christ. It says:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure."

I want to refocus on this, and to somehow learn to complain and argue less. For those of you that even slightly know me, I can be pretty argumentative and always seem to find something to complain about. I am trying to get it through my head that those things are worthless and will only leave me feeling pessimistic and sad, when Christ offers so much more. I truly want to be a shining example of Christ's love, and to do so I need to leave those earthly habits behind and focus on Christ.

I know I've written about this before and I hope this doesn't seem like I'm repeating myself, I just need to refocus my faith on things that really matter and let God lead my life.